You browse social media and see your friend’s relationship, a coworker’s promotion, or an acquaintance’s tropical beach vacation. Your own life instantly feels inadequate. It’s easy to attribute your self-worth to outside sources, constantly compare yourself to others, or be in competition with everyone but yourself. But this never-ending cycle can reduce mental health to a low point.
Psychologists argue that healthy self-esteem is not being better than others. It’s about developing an inner sense of worth, and not an outer sense of worth based on how others perceive you or society at large. If your self-esteem is dependent upon what others do, think, or accept, you are giving away your power. The good news? You can begin to flip this script. Here are ten strategies to prevent sabotaging your self-esteem and start building a healthier, more solid sense of self.
Why Externalizing, Comparing, and Competing Hurt You
Externalizing is measuring your self-worth in terms of externalities, such as your title, appearance, or what other people say about you. This conditional self-worth makes you even more vulnerable to anxiety and depression, since your self-esteem goes up with each success or down with each failure. If your identity is externally contingent, you’re on an emotional rollercoaster depending on outcomes you often can’t control. Associating your identity with job performance can leave you feeling worthless after a particularly challenging workday, regardless of your inherent value or past successes.
Comparison is yet another common pitfall. Comparing yourself with others can often lead to feelings of inadequacy, resentment, and long-term dissatisfaction. Such comparisons are often biased since we are comparing other individuals’ external highlights with our own internal struggles. It may lead to a distorted view that everyone is doing better, faster, or more successfully than you are, perpetuating an inferiority complex.
It also generates a false sense of competition, where your achievement will only feel good if it surpasses someone else’s. In the long term, it shifts your focus from self-improvement to outperforming others, which is not only impossible to sustain but also emotionally draining.
It is a self-destructive habit in the long term. Not only do these habits erode your self-esteem, but they also hinder personal growth and development. When you constantly seek approval from the outside, you never have a chance to develop inner strength, self-awareness, and resilience. The solution is to learn to look inward rather than outward. Building an internal foundation of self-esteem allows you to navigate life’s struggles with more grace and stability. It’s about turning the lens inward and cultivating a relationship with yourself that’s constant, compassionate, and grounded in your own values.
10 Top Ways to Stop Destroying Your Self-Esteem
1. Practice Mindful Awareness
The first step to breaking these habits is to recognize them when they occur. Mindfulness keeps you present with your thoughts without judging them. When you notice yourself comparing or seeking approval, pause for a moment and ask: “What am I really feeling?” Awareness brings room for change and kindness towards yourself.
2. Curate Your Social Media Exposure
Social media isn’t real life; it’s a highlight reel. Unsubscribe from sites that cause comparison or self-doubt. Subscribe to pages that promote authenticity, growth, and mental health. A virtual environment that has your back can genuinely make a difference.
3. Establish Internal Benchmarks
Instead of measuring success by comparing it to the behavior of others, mark your own progress. Did you handle a conflict better than you had in the past? Did you set a boundary? Celebrate these internal successes. Self-esteem grows when you recognize your own standards and values.
4. Replace Negative Self-Talk with Positive Affirmations
Our internal critic will latch onto the voice of early caregivers or outside stress. Challenge that voice. Replace statements such as “I’m not good enough” with “I’m doing the best I can, and that’s good enough.” Over time, these affirmations build a more compassionate inner dialogue.
5. Keep a “Self-Wins” Journal
Journal every day, one thing you did right, no matter how tiny. It trains your brain to focus on strengths and progress, rather than deficits. Even small achievements can gain momentum and enhance confidence.
6. Limit Your Exposure to Triggers
It might be an energy-draining friend or a demanding career but notice what drains your energy and confidence. Give yourself permission to set boundaries. Reducing exposure to comparison or criticism allows your self-esteem to bounce back.
7. See a therapist or Coach
Low self-esteem tends to have underlying causes, such as childhood history, trauma, or unmet emotional needs. A therapist can help you uncover these underlying assumptions and learn how to reframe them. Therapy is a powerful way of bringing about long-term change in self-worth.
8. Celebrate Other People Without Cutting Yourself Down
You can celebrate another person’s achievement without questioning your own worth. It is a habit you can adopt to say, “Good for them, and I’m proud of where I am, too.” An abundance mindset enables you to view success as collective, rather than competitive.
9. Invest in Joyful Mastery
Pick something you love: painting, running, cooking, and do it without worrying about performance. Mastery for joy (not reward) develops self-trust and resilience. According to The Positivity Blog, the secret is to do things that energize you, not drain you.
10. Compete With Past You, Not Others
Your only legitimate competitor is yesterday’s you. Look back weekly or monthly on how you’ve gotten better—emotionally, mentally, and professionally. This self-referenced improvement creates intrinsic motivation and enduring self-esteem.
Externalizing, comparing, and competing may come easily in today’s hectic lifestyle, but they don’t have to dictate the terms of your relationship with yourself. By looking within, creating your own standards, and being kind to yourself, you can begin to recreate a self-esteem that is firm, strong, and genuine. Remember: Your worth isn’t up for debate. It isn’t measured by likes, job titles, or who got there first. You define it. Start treating it that way today.
Clinical reviewed by John P. Carnesecchi, LCSW, CEAP
Founder and Clinical Director of Gateway to Solutions
