Imposter syndrome. Inadequacy. Intimidation. It happens to the best of us, especially in settings where the stakes seem high.
I don’t want to say it’s all in your head because that’s not fair. But those feelings are natural and all too common, especially when everyone around you seems more qualified, more competent, more secure, more confident. For our purposes, to be confident is to believe in one’s own abilities, capacities, and judgment.
What if I told you that there are 10 steps you can take to display unwavering confidence in the workplace, in social settings, and at home? And yes, one of the steps (Number 6) is having a firm handshake. Employ the steps below and watch yourself transform.
1. Be an Individual of Your Word
Do you wanna know the first way to build confidence? Become someone you can trust. That’s right. Oftentimes, the reason you lack confidence is that you don’t follow through on what’s important to you. Make promises to yourself – and keep them. Start small. Even the most menial of things can have a large impact.
- Say you’re going to take a walk and take one.
- Plan to stop by the store on the way home and actually go (even if you’re tired)
- Set an intention to practice Duolingo for 5 minutes before bed and actually open the app that night.
The point is to be realistic about what you can do and to show yourself that you are, in fact, capable of fulfilling those objectives. Each time you follow through on an action, you send yourself the message, I can depend on myself. And if you learn that you can depend on yourself for small things, guess what? You’ll be able to depend on yourself for the big ones, too.
2. Avoid the Waiting Game
A mistake some people make is waiting to feel ready. Reading another book on the subject or “planning” for just one more week won’t lessen your fears or make you feel more prepared, suitable, or confident. Confidence bubbles after actions are taken, not before. Any confident person will admit that they, too, felt nervous or anxious before starting (whatever undertaking they set out to accomplish). The difference is, they started anyway because they accepted that the nerves would be there regardless. Waiting for the “perfect moment” will keep you stuck in cycles of self-doubt and anguish. Doing, even through the worries and uncertainty, will make you unstoppable.
3. Be Gentle with Yourself
You know that little voice in your head that tells you, “I’m dumb,” or “I’m horrible at this,” or “I can’t?” Those words rapidly devour your self-confidence. Try instead to rewire those narratives when they come about. Why? Because when you’re unkind to yourself, you gradually internalize the hurtful things you say about your character.
Confidence blooms in an environment that’s encouraging, not one that’s unforgiving and hostile. Instead of saying fixed statements like, “I’m not good at this,” try saying, “This is difficult, and I’m learning.” The latter acknowledges the challenging nature of the action and gives you credit for trying. Alternatively, one of my favorite tricks is to add the word “yet” to the phrase in question.Turn “I’m not good at this” into “I’m not good at this… yet,” and watch your outlook shift. Confidence grows not from self-criticism but from self-respect.
4. Stand Tall
If you want to feel confident, you must be aware of how others perceive you. Remind yourself that you belong in the space you occupy. You don’t have to believe it just yet. Simply repeating that mantra to yourself will suffice. Now take it a step further. Find your nearest mirror. In that mirror, imagine a string protruding from the top of your head. Pull that string upwards and watch as your posture reaches its potential: tall, poised, upright. Do this exercise whenever you feel yourself slouching or slipping back into old patterns of thought (e.i, I don’t belong). If you look more self-assured and know you look more self-assured, you will feel more self-assured and, by association, be more self-assured.
5. Prioritize Presentation
Presentation refers to taking your appearance a step further. Dress for the occasion. Check your teeth, your skin, and your eyes. Style your hair in a manner that suits you. Make no mistake; this step is not about attraction. Presentation, rather, is about how you carry yourself. Recall what I said about posture and belonging. You belong where you are. Stand like it. Speak like it. Act like it. Make eye contact. Smile. Speak a little slower. Relax your shoulders. Avoid over-explanation. Have a firm handshake. Remember, if you look good (and I don’t mean beauty), you’ll feel good, and if you feel good, your confidence might just follow suit.
6. Excel at the First Impression
Speaking of firm handshakes, they can make all the difference! Having one will not miraculously make you a confident person, but good impressions matter. A handshake sets the tone for the whole person. Body language reveals how one feels internally, and others are attuned to it. Have a firm handshake, and you’ve already laid out the groundwork for your character. Follow the remaining steps on this list and watch as everything clicks into place.
7. Become Amazing at One Thing
Confidence loves evidence. The problem, much of the time, is that there are too many things people want to be good at. Then they don’t master any of them. Pick one thing to excel at. This can be a skill, a trade, a hobby, anything that you can commit to. Put your heart into it, become passionate about it. Do it for the love of the game, not out of obligation. The gratification that will be realized over time is immeasurable. Once you know you can become really good at one thing, you can do another. Competence builds confidence.
8. Have the Courage to be Bad at Some Things
In an opposing (but cooperating) sense, do things you know you’re bad at. You might be thinking, ” Why would I ever do that? Well, remember that confidence is not built on constant success but on action. Trusting that you will be alright, even through struggle, is part of the process. The way to become secure in that notion is to do things you are not naturally gifted at. As for me, that might be playing a new sport or picking up a guitar. For you, that might include learning a language, engaging in public speaking, or taking an art class. If you can struggle through these challenges, you’ll find that you survive. Internalizing that you can survive discomfort is how confidence manifests.
9. Surround Yourself with Confidence
Confidence is contagious, but so is insecurity. Your environment and who you spend time with deeply impact who you are and how you see yourself. Make a mental note after you spend time with people. Do you leave these interactions feeling energized or drained? Motivated or discouraged? Inspired or diminished? Discerning these feelings will help you surround yourself with confident and growth-minded people who, in turn, will transfer their confidence to you.
10. Acknowledge that You are the Pilot
Studies show that low self-confidence stems from a mix of psychological patterns, past experiences, and one’s environment (i.e., bullying, over-criticism in childhood, a fear of failure, chronic mental health conditions, trauma/abuse). Whether your lack of confidence stems from how you were treated in childhood or whether it’s due to some cognitive distortion that you developed over time, ultimately does not make a difference. The fact remains: you want to build your confidence.
I have some news: you get to decide what happens next. This truth can be frightening, but I hope you’ll see it as empowering. The choices and circumstances that led you here are only as impactful as how you respond to them now. Internalizing that you are the pilot of your destiny means that if you feel inadequate, you can take action. If you feel behind, you can learn from the wisdom of those who came before you. If you were not granted the tools, then you can grant them to yourself now. You can choose to do. You can choose to start. You can choose to act. You can choose confidence.
Final Note
These strategies I have outlined here are yours to use whenever you feel inadequate or insecure, whether at home, with your friends, or at the office. Remember, you belong here, and your confidence is yours alone to build and keep.
