Dating can be tough for many people. Modern dating often brings up emotional challenges, like social anxiety, self-esteem issues, worries about the future, and the vulnerability that comes with trusting someone new.
For adults who are dating seriously, disagreements about family planning can make things even more complicated, especially if you know you don’t want children. You may have wondered when and how to tell your date about your choice, worried about being judged or rejected. Facing rejection can be hard, both in how you respond to others and how you feel inside. It’s normal to struggle with these questions when looking for a long-term partner. Still, it’s important to talk about not wanting children with both confidence and compassion early in your conversations.
How do I know when and whether to tell my date I don’t want children?
Sometimes telling a date something they may not want to hear, like “I don’t want to have children,” can feel like the start of the end—and that’s okay. It can be disappointing to realize you’re not on the same page, but in the long run, both of you should know early if your values or goals don’t match. Don’t wait too long to share this, and remember that being honest is also respectful to your date.
The answer is straightforward: if you want a serious, long-term relationship and don’t want children, you should tell your date early on. Having this conversation takes confidence in your own values, not those of friends, family, or society. Show that confidence by being clear about your expectations and boundaries from the start. Use dating app filters and have honest talks with potential partners. As a rule, discuss these topics by the third date if you both see long-term potential. If you’re not dating seriously, it’s fine not to share your long-term plans, but your date should also know you’re not looking for a long-term relationship right now.
How exactly do I tell my date that I don’t want children?
Making sure you and your date agree on long-term plans is just as important as being aligned on other key values, like politics, finances, marriage, or where you want to live. Good communication skills can help you talk about your future goals, such as:
- Ask them outright about their long-term hopes & dreams. While some may be comfortable asking their date directly whether they want children, others may prefer to ask broader questions about their future goals, such as “Where do you see yourself [five, ten, fifteen] years down the line?” (While a less “taboo” question, it is still an important one to gauge their other values, too.)
- Mention your own goals more subtly in conversations about your future. You may use language like, “Since I don’t plan to have children, I’ll be able to…” or “Because I don’t want kids, I plan to…” This approach offers your date the opportunity to learn & ask about your own goals and values, too.
- Be honest and direct about your plans, intentions, and the fit. Use clear language that does not allow room for interpretation. If your mind is not likely to be changed, do not give your date a reason to think that could be the case. If you know that you & your date are unlikely to be a long-term match, do them the courtesy of communicating that kindly & proactively – just as you would with any other “non-negotiable” you may have.
How do I protect my peace when others may react poorly?
Wanting children is a significant value and life choice for many people, so not everyone you date will share your perspective. Some may react with disbelief, confusion, or even coldness or argumentativeness if they disagree. That’s why it’s important to protect your own peace when discussing topics others may not be ready for. Keep trusting your own decisions, values, and independence, and remember these tips:
- If your date wants to have a thoughtful conversation, allow space for follow-up questions. But if your boundaries are being pushed, speak up. There are many reasons someone might not want children, like finances, health, lifestyle, the environment, or personal values. Share only what you feel comfortable with.
- Accept that dating can be complicated, and try to embrace it. It will make things easier for you in the long run.
- Don’t get stuck hoping the other person will change. Move on from people who think they can change your mind, and don’t try to change theirs either. We are each responsible for our own decisions. Also, avoid trying to convince someone that their choice is wrong. Remember, this is a date, not a debate.
- Don’t just focus on whether your date likes you. Make sure you also consider if you like them and if you see a long-term future together.
- Remind yourself that it’s better to be single than to be in a relationship that isn’t right for you. Gender expectations can play a big role in these situations, so if you feel lonely or down, focus on your friendships and the people who support you. Communities like We Are Child Free and The Not Mom are there for women who don’t want children, and movements like “Dual-Income, No Kids” are helping to normalize couples choosing not to have children.
- If you’re struggling with social pressures, self-compassion, or making decisions, a professional can help you sort out your hopes for the future without extra stress.
