Do you find that when you and your partner come to a disagreement, it often feels like you are having the same argument over and over (and over) again? Have you noticed that a small pet peeve inevitably progresses to the same big fight you’ve been having for years? Does it sometimes feel like you’re getting nowhere when it comes to talking about a recurring issue together?
Many couples have come to know the woes of perpetual problems that come with long-term relationships, and research by The Gottman Institute actually shows that 69% of relationship problems are perpetual issues. These are conflicts that have no resolution due to fundamental differences in personalities and histories. However, perpetual problems do not mean that your relationship is “doomed,” but instead that you are both separate individuals in the relationship (as you should be!).
Conflict is inevitable, and it is about how we approach conflict with our partners that determines the health of our relationship. As a couple, you can choose to move toward dialogue about perpetual issues, or you can choose to stay in a “gridlock,” which eventually leads to resentment & emotional withdrawal.
Understanding Solvable vs. Perpetual Problems
When moving from gridlock to dialogue on perpetual problems, it is crucial to understand & evaluate whether the issue at hand is considered a “solvable” problem or a “perpetual” problem.
Solvable problems are more situational conflicts, such as disagreements over housekeeping, sex, family dynamics, or spending. Solvable problems are often simpler, and the topic at hand does not necessarily symbolize a more deeply rooted concern for either partner. Solutions are possible and can be identified relatively easily.
Perpetual problems are issues that recur frequently within a couple, symbolizing deeper, more fundamental differences in lifestyle or needs. A perpetual problem is considered gridlocked when the subject feels circular, unproductive, and deeply uncomfortable, often evoking difficult emotions. You may be experiencing a gridlocked issue in your relationship if:
- You often feel rejected after talking with your partner.
- It feels like you two are not making any progress toward a resolution or compromise. In fact, you may feel like you are moving backward.
- You are feeling stubborn, willful, angry, and/or resentful toward your partner.
- Your conversations feel heavy & unpleasant, and there is little positive emotion throughout your interactions.
- You feel increasingly more avoidant, combative, and polarized over time.
- Exchanges have become emotionally charged, painful, or met with the “silent treatment.”
- You feel disengaged or withdrawn from your relationship entirely.
- You and your partner have begun to feel like “enemies” in opposition to one another’s dreams.
- You are beginning to recognize the presence of the Four Horsemen (criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness) throughout most of your interactions.
How to Move from Gridlock to Dialogue about Perpetual Issues
Research by the Gottmans suggests that most persistent issues stem from meta-emotions (how we feel about feelings), attachment injuries, and feelings of being misunderstood or disconnected related to our “hidden dreams.” To move forward with healthy dialogue around perpetual issues, both you and your partner must develop skills for managing conflict, building emotional intelligence, and creating shared meaning. Being able to meet your partner with a positive affect, such as affection, curiosity, humor, and openness, helps both parties cope with unsolvable problems in the long term.
To overcome gridlock on perpetual issues, both you and your partner must be open to exploring the unrealized dreams at the core of the issue. If you notice that you have a strong feeling about a seemingly benign issue, take a moment to explore your emotions and consider whether they represent a larger, unmet dream. (Think: “It was never about the toilet seat….”) Explain your position to your partner in a way that is non-accusatory and adequately explains what is really at the core of your reaction. By sharing vulnerably with our partners about our deeper meaning-making system, we build emotional intimacy & foster resiliency in times of larger conflict.
When discussing ongoing issues, use the Speaker-Listener technique to ensure both parties feel heard, and one at a time. The speaker should refrain from blaming, criticizing, and using “You” statements, and instead discuss their own feelings and use a gentle start-up to express their needs positively. The listener should hear the speaker fully & demonstrate true understanding of the speaker’s perspective. Ask open-ended questions to gain a deeper understanding so that you can summarize, validate, and empathize with the speaker’s needs to their satisfaction.
To resolve conflict around the perpetual issue, you must first define your core need, which is what you consider fundamental to your dreams being honored in the relationship. Then, work with your partner to identify areas of flexibility where compromise is possible and both partners’ dreams can be honored simultaneously. When we engage in dialogue around larger dreams within conflict, we can begin to recognize deeper value systems and develop empathy for our partners. In larger conversations about life dreams, you and your partner can work together to explore each other’s stories and create shared meaning as a couple.
Remember: With perpetual issues, the goal is to manage through dialogue, not to solve. Both partners must be willing to hear one another fully, to understand each other completely, and to compromise adequately to ensure life dreams are being honored within the couplehood. If you and your partner are struggling to move beyond gridlock and see eye-to-eye on perpetual issues, a couples therapist who uses the Gottman Method can help transform concepts into actionable change for both of you.
