In today’s world, it’s no secret that political tensions are high. Politics can cause conflict, fighting, and arguments across all settings and relationships. It’s much easier to handle political conflict when you can walk away from that once-a-year family holiday political conflict or the infrequent workplace political disagreement. But what happens when the political differences are within your marriage? It is a relatively common but very challenging issue to navigate. If either or both partners have little interest or awareness of politics, this is an easier problem to navigate. However, when both partners hold opposing political views, it can cause significant tension if not well managed or communicated, and it can become a perpetual issue in a relationship. This blog aims to help couples navigate this challenge by providing important tips to consider and key skills to utilize and practice.
Important Tips to Keep in Mind:
- Focus on shared values rather than differences: A main issue that often comes up with differences in politics in a marriage is the thought that one’s values often overlap with their political beliefs. It is true, and shared values are also an important part of a healthy marriage. However, it is possible to have similar values but different ideas about how best to achieve or display them politically. It is important first to be aware of the shared values you have in your marriage, consider how you live by these values as a couple and individually, and acknowledge that the ways these values are expressed can look a little different politically. If you are finding yourselves struggling with a deep political difference of opinion, remind yourselves of the values you share and who you know your partner to be as a person. Remind yourself of why you chose to marry this person and that there is much more to them than their political opinions.
- Focus on what you can agree on rather than what you disagree on: When the discussion of politics comes up, it can be easy to focus on what your differences in opinions are rather than on what you actually agree on. It might be surprising to realize that you agree on more than you thought. Challenge yourselves to seek out points on which you agree when political conflict arises. Ask more profound questions about your partner’s perspective and see where your viewpoints may overlap.
- Agree to disagree/ Do not try to change your partner’s opinion: In a marriage with differing political beliefs, your goal should not be to change your partner’s mind or get them to agree with you. Sometimes you have to practice accepting that you will not see eye to eye on everything, and that is okay. Sometimes, you will have to agree to disagree. When political discussions in the household turn into fighting, it may be helpful to agree to disagree.
- Create politics-free areas or times: If political discussions frequently come up, it can be helpful to create politics-free areas or times in your household. For example, many people choose not to discuss politics at dinner time, in their bedroom, or during quality time on the couch at night. It looks different for each couple, but the goal is to prevent political conflict during key moments of connection.
- Make it fun ( pretend you are in a debate with a start and end time rather than a fight): If you both really feel the need to hash out a particular political topic that you know might lead to conflict, try to make it into a fun experience rather than an argument. It can be done by pretending you are having an actual debate in which both are trying to state their own perspectives. It can help by giving each person a chance to speak without talking over one another and to state facts rather than opinions. Choose a start and end time for this “debate” so that there is agreement as to when the political talk is over.
Key Skills to Work on:
- Empathy: Even if you disagree with what your partner is saying, you can still empathize with them and their perspective. Empathy involves the ability to see through another person’s lens and understand where they are coming from. It is a very important skill for managing political conflict in a relationship. A Stanford study found that cross-partisan empathy increased bipartisan cooperation and persuasion. Rather than becoming argumentative, aim to look at things from their point of view, taking into consideration how they grew up, their childhood, their family of origin, and life experiences, and then try to understand why they may feel the way they do about the topic. Empathy involves listening to understand rather than to respond and impose your own opinion. It can be helpful to start practicing empathy outside political discussions first. Notice situations in daily life where you can practice taking the perspective of others and seeing things through their point of view. It can also be helpful to practice empathy by taking the perspective of characters in movies or books.
- Validation: Validation involves acknowledging someone else’s inner thoughts and emotions as valid and understandable. Similar to empathy, you do not necessarily have to agree with your partner’s thoughts or feelings to validate them. Validation means you understand where they are coming from and can see their point of view as being valid and reasonable.
Example: This may sound like, “I can see where you are coming from and I understand why this particular topic causes fear and concern.”
- Clarification: Sometimes, when having heated discussions, we fail to pause and reflect on what we heard before responding. Clarification is a communication skill that forces us to slow down and ensure understanding before we react. It is especially important with political discussions, because emotionally charged topics are going to make us want to react much more quickly.
Example: Clarification may sound like “So what I am hearing you say is ___.” You would then paraphrase what you heard the other person say and ensure that you heard them correctly before continuing the conversation.
- Active listening: Active listening involves giving your full attention and energy to hearing and understanding the person you are speaking with. Active listening involves the skills of empathy, validation, and clarification listed above, as well as body language. If you are actively listening, you are turned towards the other person, engaged in what they are saying by making eye contact and showing you are listening through subtle nodding or acknowledgement. Active listening shows the other person that you respect them and what they are saying, and can facilitate a much more effective and productive discussion. The opposite of active listening would be avoiding eye contact, looking away, rolling your eyes, sighing, or showing annoyance at your partner’s points. It is easy to become frustrated during political discussions, but it is essential to show your partner the respect that you would want in return, even if you do not like what they are saying.
- Boundaries: Couples struggling with this issue should discuss boundaries for discussing and consuming political content. The boundaries should be set to protect the relationship, and they will look different for every couple. Some may set boundaries around when it is appropriate to discuss politics, others around where in the house it is appropriate to discuss these topics, and others around the news content they are okay with being consumed in the house.
- “I” statements: Effective communication involves being able to speak from your own feelings rather than attacking the person you are talking to. It allows for more productive conversation and reduces defensiveness in your partner. In political discussions, this can help partners to understand the deeper feelings behind one another’s perspectives. I statements should take the form of “I feel… (state specific emotion)… “when… (state the facts of the situation that trigger these feelings)… “because… (state the reason you are impacted by it)… “I want/need… (state your specific want or need in the situation).
Example: “I feel deeply scared when the political topic of gun violence comes up because of my own childhood experiences. I want stricter gun laws because of this.” – Stating your feelings and thoughts in this format is much more effective than attacking your partner’s political stance on the topic.
Taking a “time-out”: In any conflict, it is important to recognize when you and your partner are becoming emotionally triggered or flooded, and to take steps to calm down in the moment. Signs that you or your partner could be becoming emotionally triggered include increased heart rate, high blood pressure, feeling anxious or overwhelmed, or the onset of yelling or raised voices. Both partners need to work to recognize these signs early on, in themselves and in each other, and agree on a plan to take a time-out or break to revisit the conversation. A time-out can be a 20-30-minute break during which each partner goes separately to soothe and calm themselves using coping skills before returning together to revisit the conversation. If things still do not move forward after this, it may be time to agree to disagree.
