Each relationship has its own norms, expectations, and communication style, which can all contribute to the distribution of influence or power within it. Power dynamics in a relationship can be implicit, subtly understood but less spoken, or explicit, which are more formal, visible, or directly communicated. The expression “Who wears the pants in your relationship?” gets at the question: who has the power, and whose voice has more weight than the other? What if neither of you shared the power in your relationship? While in some relationships there are inherent power differences between student and teacher, parent and child, or supervisor and supervisor, in intimate partner relationships, unbalanced power differences can be unhealthy for the relationship.
We develop an understanding of power through other relationships we have been in or witnessed, such as our relationship with our parents, how they accepted influence from you, and how you accepted influence from them. How do your parents interact? Was one more in control than the other? How does your boss use power? Are there expectations you may have of your partner that are influenced by your previous experiences?
Power dynamics in intimate relationships are patterns in which partners enact or resist influence on one another. Power can be expressed through communication, finances, intimacy, access to social support outside the relationship, acceptance of influence, expectations of one another, and boundaries, or lack thereof. Power has historically been unevenly distributed, with one person in a dominant group holding more power than others based on factors such as gender, race, age, social class, financial resources, sexual orientation, language, ability, citizenship, religion, and so on. In heterosexual couples, historically, women have had less power with historic legal limitations. Equally balanced heterosexual power dynamics are now more embraced as healthy and signifying the importance of a partnership. In all intimate relationships, there can be differences in power dynamics regardless of gender, sexual orientation, or sexual identity. Awareness of the power you have in the relationship, and of the influence you exert or resist from your partner(s) and vice versa, can contribute to understanding each individual’s experience and safety in the relationship.
Each couple may navigate their power dynamics differently; sometimes one person takes charge of something while the other handles other responsibilities. Navigating power dynamics through mutual influence and respect fosters a safe relationship where each person feels seen, heard, and understood.
How to start navigating the power dynamics in your relationships?
Start by understanding where you are. Does someone have more social dominance in the relationship, does someone have control over finances, or is someone older? Notice, do you share influence with what big decisions are being made, how you navigate shared responsibilities, whether or not you have boundaries with one another, how you communicate, and do you consider yourself equals? Once you are aware of where you are at, we can understand what your partner(s) may be feeling and ask them. How do they feel they can contribute to your relationship? What are the challenges they face, when do they feel less powerful, or if they feel they do not have influence?
Accepting and resisting another’s influence is not always equal, and the couple’s shared responsibilities can change. As long as each partner feels safe and has a positive influence, things may change in response to life challenges. We will not always have 50/50 responsibilities, influence, effort, and communication, and that is okay! As humans, we have days when we may have less physical, emotional, or mental capacity to show up for our partner or even for our own responsibilities. Communication in these moments is key; there may be times to reassess your shared responsibilities, dreams, and needs, and how you can both contribute to getting there. Relationships will have disagreements; it is okay not to always agree and to have your differences. Attempting to understand another’s world, reasoning, and needs can lead to compromise or mutual understanding.
Having shared influence in your relationship, using positive sentiment, and thinking about shared dreams and meaning can help you each feel heard, safe, and understood by one another. Positive sentiment, assuming the best in the other person, or at least assuming positive rather than negative intention of one another, can help you understand each other a bit better using curiosity. Diffusing a sarcastic or passive-aggressive comment by replacing it with an empathetic response, a question, or an open-ended question lowers our defenses toward the other person and creates a better opportunity to listen to and voice each other’s needs and perspectives. Building or identifying shared dreams or meaning brings a relationship closer. When you are curious about what someone wants, such as building a home, starting a family, traveling, or starting a new profession, you are accepting their influence as to how you can navigate this together as a couple and find shared dreams and meaning along the way. Finding your shared meaning through fun and spontaneity in your relationship can be another great way to get to know one another again and find new ways to keep joy, commitment, and excitement.
What are your limitations and needs, and what can you be flexible with for your partner? Our boundaries can be porous or impermeable; often, they are somewhere in between. Are there boundaries you can set with your partner? Are you able to set boundaries? There should be boundaries that protect the self and allow for autonomy, while also allowing influence from your partner(s) when we consider each other’s responsibilities and shared meaning.
Challenges such as Invisible exits, such as loss of connection, isolation, and avoidance, can contribute to this loss of understanding, and perpetual problems, having the same argument over and over again. These challenges can be divisive in your relationship and often shape who feels powerful or powerless.
If you feel you and your partner(s) want to continue to navigate your relationship power dynamics, build more effective communication, understand your shared meaning, and/or have a safe space to navigate challenges you’re facing as a couple, seeing a couples therapist is a great next step.
Altering someone’s physical or psychological state, undermining their safety, isolating them from support, and limiting their financial capacity. If power and control are expressed through coercion, threats, intimidation, physical, sexual, emotional abuse, and/or violence, please visit the National Domestic Abuse Hotline to make a plan for safety.
