As untold in fairytales, some relationships are not meant to last forever. Instead, they’re meant to teach us more about ourselves in ways we couldn’t discover on our own. Knowing when to end a relationship is one of the most challenging decisions you may ever face. It can be difficult to discern a rough patch from a pattern of unhealthy behaviors; even more so when you’re with a good person, everything seems fine on the surface, yet something still feels off deep down. You may not be able to pinpoint exactly what that feeling is but trust that it’s your intuition speaking. You don’t always need a concrete reason or visible evidence to recognize that a relationship has run its course and is no longer serving you.
In couples therapy, I help guide my clients through their relationship journey. Some come in feeling distant from one another, struggling with unhealthy communication patterns, dealing with infidelity, emotional abuse, or simply growing apart. Sometimes, the writing is on the wall, and a client will say outright, “Maybe we should just end this.” At other times, it’s a longer, more drawn-out process, where resentment slowly builds, and the relationship fades through a thousand small cuts. Relationship endings don’t have to be explosive or reactive. They can be intentional, made from a place of courage, grace, and respect for your partner and yourself.
Let’s start with building awareness between a rough patch or a deeper pattern, creating intention in a partnership. Conflict is a normal part of all relationships, and with tools such as active listening, mirroring, and empathy, disagreements can be navigated with purpose and resolution. Chronic issues that arise often fall into a few categories per Gottman’s theory:
Solvable problems are situational without deeper meaning behind each partner’s viewpoint, where resolution can be reached and maintained (ex, household responsibilities, intimacy differences, travel plans)
Perpetual problems are fundamental differences in your core values, belief system, and morals that return time and time again (ex, what religion we’re going to integrate for our children)
Gridlocked perpetual problems are those core differences from above that have intensified with emotions due to the lack of resolution, and parties have “hidden agendas” (ex, anger fueling discussion around religion)
All of these types of conflict may rear their head through a relationship. It’s less about whether these issues are resolved but rather HOW they are discussed. If conflict is fueled by ongoing criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, or contempt, we are less likely to feel understood, validated, or respected. We refer to these as the four horsemen, with contempt being the most predictive of a couple’s failure. When these traits are present, you are likely to feel disconnected from your partner and may eventually quietly or explicitly end the relationship.
Problems are not a reason to end a relationship, as you will inevitably face challenges in any relationship. How your problems are handled over time will indicate if a relationship needs to end. This decision will be based on tolerance for conflict, mutual regard for one another, and whether the relationship has a solid foundation of friendship. If you’re in a relationship where the standard for conflict is verbal aggression, screaming, low blows, lack of regard for your feelings, and inability to work toward change, these are warning signs.
Through Gottman’s theory, we learn the importance of turning toward your partner, along with creating shared meaning within the couplehood. When partners begin to turn away from each other consistently, they are signaling withdrawal. We’ve all seen or even been in relationships where we feel defeated as if the relationship has deteriorated to an unrecognizable place and feels foreign, where sadness fills the space that laughter once echoed. Quiet exiting is a common sign of emotional disengagement and a lack of trust. Maybe your partner appears disinterested, less emotionally available, busier with work, less affectionate, short in their responses, passive in their language, not interested in conflict resolution, different priorities, non-committal around future plans/dialogue, or something is just “off.” These are all warning signs that your partner is turning away from you, and your intuition is attuned to the detachment. The relationship is no longer a safe place but one in which avoidance has taken over.
When a relationship first begins, we’re often in the honeymoon phase; affection is high, goals feel aligned, and emotions are positive. Shared meaning is essential for any relationship to survive. What are our core values, areas of compatibility, and dealbreakers? Discovering how aligned you are in these areas is a high predictor of success or failure in the couple hood. Even more importantly, are you abandoning a part of yourself in your relationship to “make it work”? Self-abandonment will ultimately lead to resentment that you hold, which you risk projecting onto your partner. For example, suppose you’ve decided you want to live in the city long term. You’ve met someone who has expressed interest in relocating to a quiet suburban area, and you compromise on your living arrangement for your partner. In that case, you may notice yourself complaining about the lack of diversity in the suburbs or the lack of accessible activities to do, etc. You’ve sacrificed a “life dream” of living in the city for this relationship and feel regretful about that decision, potentially leading to a perpetual or gridlock problem in the couple hood.
I encourage people in relationships to learn about themselves, their needs, desires, and dreams, and show up 100% as their most authentic selves. Look at your partner for who they are presently. As humans, we often look at our partners for more than who they are or what they could be; this is a projection and desire to change them. Everyone has potential; not everyone actualizes their potential. Not everyone has the capacity or willingness to change, even when they express a desire to do so. As Mel Robbins says in her “Let Them” theory, stop waiting, worrying, or wishing for people to change. Control the controllable, which is everything within you. Look at the facts, trust your behavioral patterns, and make your decisions based on that.
Ultimately, nobody understands your relationship the way you and your partner do. You’re the ones living through the micro-moments of sharing this life together. Recognize that it may be time to let go when there are:
- Repeated cycles without growth
- When you’ve tried different strategies, and it still hurts
- Your body has constant negative somatic responses (chronic fatigue, muscle tension, skin reactions, etc. – sometimes the body knows before the brain decides)
There is never a right time to make an emotionally taxing decision. There will always be an excuse not to, like sharing a lease, non-refundable travel plans, or holidays coming up. Despite these real-life barriers, one thing remains true: nothing changes if nothing changes. Is this relationship helping you or hurting you? Would you encourage a loved one to stay in this partnership if they were in your shoes? Is this the love story you want to tell your children? Recognize that indecision is a decision, and it’s time to make a compassionate choice that your future self will thank you for. Whatever that may be, I’ll be here rooting for you!
