For most parents, the birth of a first child is expected to come with an influx of emotions. Excitement, enthusiasm, anxiety, nervousness, relief, hesitation, surprise, and all the feelings in between are considered the name of the game. But what happens for couples when Baby #2 comes along? Many parents receive more messages that the second is easier, more manageable, & less stressful than the first since “now you know what you’re doing,” but that may not always be the case. Parents often feel like they have more fears, questions, and concerns about what a second baby may mean for family dynamics, much less for their relationship or their individual sense of self.
The Difference Between Baby #1 & Baby #2
For many families, the immediate concern that comes with welcoming a second child is how to balance both children & readjust to another new family structure. Depending on the age difference between your children, you may have natural concerns about how your firstborn will respond to getting a sibling and how sibling dynamics may unfold as your children grow up together.
When you have your first child, many people understand that there are natural “growing pains” for parents learning to raise a baby, and many people outside the home forget that the demands of parenting only increase once a second baby is added to the mix. It is very natural for you & your partner to experience a second set of “growing pains” this time, and they will likely look quite different than the first time. Whereas Baby #1 challenges include learning how to navigate logistics like breastfeeding, sleep scheduling, planning for outings, etc., Baby #2 introduces challenges such as:
- Managing “time pressure” between raising two children instead of one
- Feeling pulled in different directions between children, your relationship, work expectations, and personal time
- Navigating a new kind of exhaustion between different sleep-wake hours
- Maintaining your sense of self or personal identity outside of parenting
- Readjusting your finances & budget to accommodate a new human
- Exploring your first child’s feelings about & understanding of what it means to be a big sibling
- Understanding you & your partner’s feelings about returning to work now that there is an extra baby in the house
Of course, there are just as many benefits as there are challenges to introducing a second baby, and you can trust that your hard work & learning the first time around will pay off this time, too. The sooner you begin to plan ahead together, the better for your babies’, partner’s, and own wellbeing.
How to Maintain Your Connection with Little Time & Energy
In addition to splitting your attention between two babies, you and your partner will also experience a shift in your attention to your relationship, too. While many parents can attest to the difficulties that come with little time & energy after a second child, there are several ways to maintain your connection to one another – even if the dynamics may look a little different for a while. (Note that the following tips are tailored toward committed partnerships, and expectations may look different for coparenting situations.)
- Learn your skills for emotion regulation, effective communication, & “fair fighting” ASAP. Learn how to manage conflict now before emotions (and stakes!) are higher in the future. Identify any “cracks” in your relationship and begin addressing them now before the second baby complicates your quality time further. When we are exhausted, it is much more challenging to manage our reactions, too, which will be crucial for the health of your relationship. If needed, consider working with a couples therapist to develop skills to manage resentment, communication barriers, emotional flooding, and more.
- Schedule weekly “state of the union” check-ins to address logistical and/or emotional concerns. Schedule a consistent, weekly time for you and your partner to meet one-on-one to discuss any concerns within the partnership. It can be a time to discuss finances, childcare logistics, concerns about the “division of labor” between parents, and how to unload any “mental burden” of caregiving that either partner may feel any given week.
- Schedule regular “date nights” with each other, and prioritize quality time whenever possible. Unlike a “state of the union” meeting, date nights are meant to protect the quality time & intimacy in your relationship. While you may not be able to leave the house for a romantic dinner, you both can still create opportunities for play & connectedness at home. As a general rule of thumb, limit screen time around your partner – especially when you are alone together and when alone time doesn’t come easily.
- Get creative with other ways to create intimacy. While you & your partner may have less opportunity for physical intimacy during this season, you can still find creative ways to integrate romance throughout your days. Surprise your partner with small acts of kindness & appreciation to continue fostering closeness.
- Be mindful of how gendered dynamics may affect your partner’s experience differently from yours. For heteronormative couples, proactively educate yourself on how your partner’s experience might be different than yours, and consider how gender scripts might be underlying any concerns about the division of labor across various household tasks. In traditional husband-wife relationships, research has shown stark differences in how parents experience positivity, negativity, adjustment, and adaptation to parenthood, which also affects the relationship. Research also indicates that “While most paid professional women return to the work force full-time after the birth of their first child, more than 50 percent change to part-time work or take a leave of absence after the birth of the second,” which can be a difficult decision for many mothers that partners may neglect to broach (University of Michigan). Be mindful of how you can best support yourself and/or your partner during any additional transitions related to the return to work.
How to Maintain Your Relationship to Yourself & Your Personal Identity
Natural identity shifts come with increased parenting roles, which can also affect parents of different genders uniquely. Tips to maintain your sense of self during this transition include:
- Prioritize self-care & alone time when possible. While it is understandable to want to focus on your children & your partner, don’t forget to carve out downtime to take care of yourself, too. Quiet time will be especially hard to come by, and it will be valuable to have a “self-care plan” prepared ahead of time to ensure you make the most of those moments in between. Be mindful of the effects of chronic stress not only on your body but also on your loved ones’ wellness. Don’t forget: Self-care also includes rest & sustaining your physical energy.
- Protect your individuality by reconnecting with old hobbies and friends, and by exploring new interests, too. When we lean into our values & strengths, we can access our most inherent parts – which only complement the new strengths & identities you are building as a new parent!
- Advocate for yourself and use your support system. All parents will need to ask for help at some point, as you have likely learned already. There is no shame in leaning on supports in whatever capacity you may need with Baby #2 – whether they be therapists, nurses, nannies, family members, close friends, or anyone in between. When the time comes to return to work, feel confident in your boundaries & communicate concerns or expectations early on.
- Own any difficult feelings and practice self-compassion to continue building your confidence. Denying, shaming, or suppressing any emotional challenges will not make them go away. They will come out in their own ways if you do not confront your fatigue. Stay kind to yourself and lean on your strengths during the difficult seasons. Remember that you have done this once, and you can do it again. While this next season will likely be challenging in its own ways – which is more than understandable given new pressures and demands – you have more wisdom within you than you may realize right now.
