You wake up, go to work, come home, and have dinner. You and your partner sit in silence, each focused on separate screens. Hours slip by until bed. Morning comes, and the cycle repeats for years. The person who once felt like home now feels like a stranger.
You glance at the clock. Your partner, who once came home at 5 p.m. sharp, texts to say they’ll be late … again. “Big project,” they say. Five becomes seven, then eight. You tell yourself it’s just a busy season, not realizing it’s the beginning of distance.
The gym. They were never into it before. Now, your Friday date nights are replaced with two-hour workouts and post-gym dinners alone. You tell yourself it’s good they’re taking care of themselves. Deep down, you know something is shifting.
The slow emotional drift and quiet unraveling of a relationship are often subtle, leading one person to check out. Sometimes it’s a variation of the examples listed above; other times it’s excessive screen time, prioritizing friends, exploring new hobbies, and no longer making time for a relationship that was once the most important thing.
Invisible exits erode emotional connection, making it easier to lose shared interests and intimacy. In time, you’ll discover that living a parallel life has become the new norm, placing you in the bucket of ~20% of marriages that devolve into invisible divorce.
Marriage doesn’t have to lead to a slow fade into complacency and unhappiness. When you lead a love with purpose and have a partner who is willing to do the same, you can rebuild trust, re-establish a connection, and ignite intimacy in a way that is fulfilling and sustained in the long term.
Let’s start by understanding the underlying motive behind invisible exits, or, as some say, “quiet quitting”. AVOIDANCE. When I reference avoidance, we’re talking about avoidant behaviors and tendencies and not necessarily avoidant attachment (which has been trending in the media recently). Avoidant behaviors create emotional distance, which some may demonstrate during conflict by avoiding efforts to resolve it. It may also manifest as escapism through work, parenting, or even social media. Some people even step into emotional dependency outside of marriage with others, without the physical infidelity.
The impact over time is loneliness and a recognition of the reality of feeling like a stranger with someone you once knew very well. The dissolution is undeniable and also an all-consuming disruption to any underlying sense of trust or emotional safety. You may become more nagging, questioning, anxious, and overall unsure of the future direction of your relationship.
The first thing all parties need to recognize is that EMOTIONAL CONNECTION MATTERS. It is how people learn to feel anchored in being seen, valued, validated, and understood by one another. It also profoundly reinforces desire and vitality, ensuring the couplehood is nourished in the small everyday moments.
There are a few key concepts in Gottman’s Theories that will undeniably reignite a couple when both parties are making a conscious effort to reengage:
Bids for connection are verbal and non-verbal ways to connect with your partner. It could be in a physical, sexual, or an unserious way to tell your partner, I’m here and I’d like you here with me too. It could look like shoulder rubs, a gentle touch, laughing together, winking, gazing, or even sharing the highlight of your day. Whatever the bid is, no matter how big or small, acknowledge the bid and toss one back to your partner.
Turning towards each other means we’re actively seeking attention, connection, and affirmation. The goal is to build an interdependent life with your partner. After years, or even decades, of a relationship, the mundane routine can get boring and repetitive. Spice it up with new overlapping hobbies to share with your partner. Instead of turning to your phones, commit to making a new recipe together every week for a month. It can also be more simple on the day to day, when your partner says “did you see the new roses that bloomed in our garden?” – being unresponsive or ignoring this bid is to turn away from a bid for connection rather than to directly acknowledge “no I didn’t, I’ll be sure to take a peak when I go take the trash out”. That’s turning towards.
The Soundhouse of a Relationship is the foundation of any secure partnership. It includes building love maps, which means we never stop asking questions and learning about your partner. Expressing fondness and admiration for your partner, we know all healthy relationships are built on mutual regard and respect. Expressing positive reflections about your partner, navigating conflict in a way that feels validating for both parties, and learning to create shared meaning in the couplehood in a way that honors both of your life dreams. Never stop learning and always lead with curiosity. Successful long-term relationships take conscious effort every single day. They also require a level of emotional responsibility in which both people seek opportunities to nourish the relationship. Conflict is inevitable, as is disappointment, in a relationship with another person. However, we need to be mindful of disengagement patterns where one person steps off the seesaw of the relationship entirely. Healthy partnerships only work when both people are each other’s cheerleader and actively turning towards each other with fondness. Remember when they said, “The little things are the big things”? It couldn’t be more applicable than in a relationship. Many people cite that they’ve noted a relationship was over, not in the big, explosive conflicts, but instead in the absence of the little things that once contributed to the foundation of a relationship, like the good ol’ days of waking up to your partner bringing you coffee in bed. Or your partner regularly fills up your gas, so you don’t have to worry about it. Or even your partner showering you with compliments as they surprise you with a new weekly date night outing. When the small gestures begin to fade, this is a warning sign to check in on the relationship. Relationships are living, breathing things that need tending to. Being physically, emotionally, and spiritually present is the antidote to healing invisible exits in a relationship. But remember, you can’t do it alone; it takes two. Two people who share a mutual goal of being together in a better relationship that embodies care and consideration.
