A common comment from new clients is that their past experiences in therapy did not give them enough ‘coping skills.’ And while most therapists and clients can agree that coping skills are important, a mutual definition of what “coping skills” actually are often goes undiscussed. Often, clients, especially first timers, come into therapy thinking that there are going to be groundbreaking skills or solutions they can start using that will quickly change their lives and immediately improve their symptoms. It is a valid and understandable hope to have; however, it often leaves clients frustrated and discouraged when they realize these expectations are unrealistic. Therapists also wish we had magic solutions we could teach our clients to help resolve their pain quickly; however, true therapy is a healing process and is not necessarily supposed to be quick or easy. When clients come to therapy, we begin digging into their patterns of thinking and behaving that they have been engaging in for years as a result of their own experiences, childhoods, and traumas. So, the idea that these patterns will quickly and easily be resolved is unrealistic. It does not at all mean that coping skills are not necessary, helpful, or important. They are very important and can be very effective when clients view them with realistic expectations and put in the work of practicing them. Coping skills need to be taught and used in tandem with the deeper work in and outside of therapy to help them manage their emotions in healthier and more effective ways. It is crucial because, on the flipside, the avoidance of processing painful experiences or feelings is what leads to maladaptive or unhealthy coping mechanisms such as addictions (substances, sex, gambling, food, porn, videogames), self-harm, codependency, and many others.
Be mindful to have a realistic definition of what coping skills actually are, as well as a better understanding of how they fit into the process of therapy. According to the American Dictionary of Psychology, a coping strategy is “an action, a series of actions, or a thought process used in meeting a stressful or unpleasant situation or in modifying one’s reaction to such a situation. Coping strategies typically involve a conscious and direct approach to problems, in contrast to defense mechanisms.” As outlined below, various coping skills are often worked on and discussed in therapy. However, it is important to remember that coping skills are unlikely to be a major resolution to the deeper issues, but rather they are small things that should be practiced consistently to build resilience and improve symptoms. Oftentimes, when clients are processing deeper or more difficult experiences in therapy, they will understandably want to revert to their “maladaptive coping skills” to deal with the pain, and this is where the newer and healthier coping skills come in. Clients are then able to teach themselves new ways of addressing difficult problems and feelings. It is also important to remember that they are called coping skills for a reason, which means the client becomes better at using them with practice and over time.
Various Types of Coping Skills:
According to Algorani and Gupta (2023), there are four main categories of coping:
- Problem-focused: Problem-focused coping involves recognizing what is in your control regarding a problem or challenge and taking solution-oriented action. Examples of coping skills in this area include goal setting and planning, executive functioning skills, communication and interpersonal effectiveness skills, recognizing and setting boundaries, time management skills, etc.
- Emotion-focused: Emotion-focused coping involves managing emotions and feelings. It may include managing difficult or dysregulated emotions as well as increasing positive emotions. Examples of emotion-focused coping include DBT skills such as distress tolerance, emotion regulation, and mindfulness. Emotion-focused coping also includes engaging in physical exercise, walking, meditation, self-soothing and grounding techniques, healthy distractions, or hobbies. These all allow for management of emotions in healthy outlets.
- Meaning Focused: Meaning focused coping involves changing or challenging thinking patterns or unhelpful beliefs to help a person cope with a situation. Examples of this may be a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy approach, which includes noticing distorted patterns of thinking and practicing replacing them with healthier thinking patterns, as well as digging deeper into core beliefs about the self, others, and the world, and working to reframe and challenge them. Other skills include seeing the silver lining in a challenging situation, focusing on what you gained rather than what you lost in a challenging scenario, comparing your situation to those less fortunate, or recalling times you felt the same or worse and still managed to get through it when feeling down or distressed.
- Social Coping: Social coping involves seeking external support to confide in and gain support from. It can be family, friends, support groups, group therapy, individual therapy or counseling, spending time with a pet, or outside groups or clubs.
Challenges with Coping Skills
- Clients sometimes find them underwhelming: When clients come into therapy with an expectation to learn life-changing coping skills, they sometimes feel the skills are relatively simple or underwhelming. The truth is that many coping skills are simple and small, daily behaviors, and most clients have some healthy coping skills already. Clients often feel surprised at how simple the skills being taught are, which sometimes results in less buy-in or engagement when trying them out. However, it is sometimes necessary for the skills to be simple because this makes them easier to turn to when struggling.
- Not practicing or giving up after trying them a couple of times: Sometimes clients will try out skills one or a couple of times and then decide that they are not effective and won’t use them again. It is important to remember that skills are meant to be practiced, and skill use can improve with practice and time. Just like any other skills (for example, sports, piano, or painting), we get better at coping skills when we practice them. It is worthwhile to try them out often and give them a real chance before deciding a certain coping skill is not for you.
Everyone is different, and not all skills will be equally effective for every person. It’s about finding what is most effective for you, and it often takes time and practice to figure out which skills are most helpful for you to turn to in times of struggle.
