In a previous blog on how to combat shame when it came to kink and desire, we explored what it looks like to reflect inward and expand curiosity about the parts of sexuality and desire that may be alternative to the mainstream perception. Understanding your desires and embracing them is incredibly important to self-acceptance and overall fulfillment. Internal acceptance is the first step; the next is how to expand this outside yourself and address any concern or shame about what others may think or feel. As sexuality and desire are deeply personal and specific to each person, it is understandable that there is sensitivity to exploring this topic and expressing vulnerability with those that we are exploring intimacy with. Consider what strengthens intimacy. Through this lens, honesty about something so personal can connect partners, deepen the bond, and create more shared experiences for stronger connections.
Start with yourself
As with any conversation, start by understanding where you are coming from, what you are feeling, and what you want to get across. Highlight your major concerns or fears about sharing this information, and let them inform how you set it up and deliver it. You may also notice indicators that you feel motivated and ready to disclose this information.
Some things to reflect on in terms of motivation would be:
-you are feeling secure and safe in the relationship
-there is a desire to deepen your intimate connection
-you want to explore this desire with another person
Some questions to reflect on ahead of time:
What is it about this desire that interests me?
Is this something I want to experience, something I enjoy fantasizing about, or something I am simply curious about?
What am I hoping my partner will understand?
Am I looking for conversation, exploration, or participation?
Curiosity is an amazing way to lean into this for yourself. What feels good and right for you? Has something clicked differently than before when exploring pornography that is leaving you curious about what it would be like to play out in real life? Centering agency around this choice, and that it is solely your decision to communicate this information, can be very empowering. If you feel confident in your motivation for sharing this information, the process may be easier.
Consider the emotional context and timing
The timing and setting for discussing desire can strongly affect how it is received, how vulnerable we feel, and how our partners experience it. Some sensitive scenarios to avoid communication around could be in the middle of conflict, immediately before sexual activity, or at a moment where either person feels pressured to respond. An optimal time to start this discussion is when you’re both aware of your emotional bandwidth. Have it feel intentional when stress is low, and things are calm and private. Some segues to initiate the conversation can be as follows
There’s something I’ve been curious about, and I’d like to talk it over with you – would this be a good time?
I’ve really been enjoying our sexual intimacy, and it’s allowed me to explore some additional desires of myself. Would it be okay if I shared them with you?
Framing the questions in this way provides consent and involvement in the conversation. It centers both your curiosity and your intention to explore the couplehood as a whole. This also indicates that you are not demanding an immediate response or implementation of the desire; you are inviting your partner into something personal. If anxiety around sexual communication or shame is present, this can alleviate the anticipatory anxiety that comes along with the disclosure because consent for the conversation has been provided.
You don’t need to disclose everything at once
Remember sexual desire and intimacy are very individual to each person for a variety of reasons, history, and context. Giving your partner space to process and react is just as important as sharing. Knowing some of your partner’s sexual context is important, and gauge their body language and response as the conversation plays out. You also don’t need to share everything all at once. Some people feel more comfortable just sharing the fantasy or showing certain images or pornography that has piqued this interest. You may communicate the desire before asking to explore it together. Remember, sexuality and desire can be ever-changing and evolving – so with this mindset, it makes sense that new interests, kinks, and desire will evolve over time, both individually and within the couple.
Allowing appropriate space for your partner’s reaction is critical, as well as how you experience their reaction. There are so many outcomes – your partner could be enthusiastic and curious, have a lot of questions, be surprised, or need time to process. Remember, a pause or uncertainty isn’t a rejection of who you are; it’s more about how they are internalizing the information. Some kinks or desires are complex and unique, and a partner may have never heard of them before, so they may need to understand their own perception of the idea. Be prepared to navigate the following responses:
I need some time to think about this
I’m curious, but I have some questions
I’m not sure if this is for me
Of course, your feelings in response to the hesitation are valid, but it’s important to not conflate the disappointment with someone doing something wrong. Your partner’s boundary does not mean your desire is shameful. This is where communication becomes particularly skillful. If it feels safe, keep the conversation going and see if you can still use it to understand each other better.
What are you feeling about what I’ve shared?
Is there anything that you’d like me to explain?
Would you like some time before we talk about this again?
What if your desires don’t match?
Of course, the biggest concerns around sharing desire are rejection and what if my partner doesn’t share the same desires? Sometimes they do, and sometimes they don’t. Sexual compatibility does not mean that the involved individuals need to have identical fantasies, preferences, desires, or interests. The conversation can continue around what the desire or kink is and what it would be like to address any underlying common ground. What would exploring the desire in small doses look like? Continue this conversation safely and respectfully.
A person may be drawn to a particular desire or dynamic within sexual intimacy because it creates feelings of vulnerability, trust, control, novelty, and connection. You can explore these in a way that feels comfortable and aligned for both partners. This doesn’t mean finding a substitute for every kink or desire, but allowing for curiosity to be a part of the process.
At the very least, having a conversation of this kind, that explores vulnerability and intimacy in its very nature, can help deepen the connection between partners. You may not understand each other’s needs immediately, but it can be a stepping stone toward where you want to go. Identifying what you fear most and what you need from this conversation is the most important thing. Highlighting these up front before starting the conversation can set the scene and, hopefully, set up a productive conversation.
