Will I regret making this choice, or will I regret not making this choice? This question comes up everywhere from choosing ice cream flavors to career paths to partnerships. What does it mean to make the “right” choice? Let’s look at a scenario we’ve all been in before: ordering a meal at a restaurant. You’ve narrowed down the large menu, and now you are deciding between a sandwich or salad. After going back and forth, reading and re-reading each ingredient, the server comes around to take your order, and you order the sandwich. It arrives, and you don’t like it. What now?
The “Wrong” Decision
When we respond to a perceived “wrong” decision with regret and guilt, our brain learns that decision-making can lead to unpleasant internal states. Repeated negative internal experiences following decision-making reinforce the perception that making a choice is a precursor to danger, thereby increasing pressure on the decision itself. Sometimes this pressure looks like spending excessive time before making a choice, seeking external opinions, or avoiding the decision altogether.
The “Right” Decision
When a “bad” choice is strongly associated with a “bad” feeling, the opposite belief is held that the “right” choice would have made us feel the best. The choices we make are weighed against an ideal “best” choice that may or may not exist. Reality is placed against a fantasy, and any negative experiences seem especially salient when we believe that there was a perfect world where that distress didn’t exist because the “right” choice could have been made. Maybe the salad would have been even worse than the sandwich, but because you are currently experiencing a mediocre sandwich, the idea of going back in time to choose the salad seems “correct.”
If we believe we can make the perfectly correct decision, we can circumvent negative experiences. However, negative experiences are a part of life! In reality, how we feel isn’t dependent on the taste of the sandwich; it is how we respond to what we are given. When we tell ourselves that negative experiences are okay, it allows our brain to feel safe in an environment even when it’s uncomfortable. Understanding that regret is a part of life, whether you ordered the sandwich or the salad, helps us experience negative emotions and move on instead of getting stuck in “what-if” loops.
The Middle Ground: “Satisficing”
Often there is no one “right” answer. Instead of trying to find the best choice, try to find the “good enough” choice. This is called “satisficing.” This portmanteau combines satisfying with sufficing and is a great outlook to use when decision-making feels especially difficult. Looking at a decision by trying to understand what would both satisfy and suffice for your needs, rather than endlessly searching for the “perfect” choice, helps orient you towards the decision that will make you feel good, rather than searching extensively for the elusive decision that will make you feel amazing.
A prolonged search sets up a reward prediction error in our minds. Simply put, a negative reward prediction error is your body’s disappointment signal; it is activated when the quality of an outcome doesn’t meet expectations. The psychological impact of disappointment is also heightened when there is increased personal effort toward the outcome. Within decision-making, this cognitive bias looks like spending time and effort trying to make the perfect decision and expecting the perfect outcome. In reality, the decision outcome is the same no matter how much time is spent deciding. The more idealistic we hope the outcome will be, the more defeated we feel when we come across an inevitable disappointment. Shifting towards satisficing can help protect against this bias. When we make decisions based on immediate needs and desires, rather than seeking the best possible outcome, we can appreciate how the decision helped meet our needs and focus on the positive aspects, rather than dwelling on the negative. Perhaps the meat on your sandwich was dry, but the bread was fluffy and delicious.
To understand what your actual needs are, try coming up with two to three priorities you want your choice to meet. For example, if you are super hungry at the restaurant, your priorities might be protein and carbohydrates. If you are feeling bloated and lethargic, your priorities might be crunchy vegetables and something refreshing, like a lemon-based dressing. If one of the options meets your needs, stop your search.
Decisions come with doubt. If you find yourself feeling incredibly upset about your decision, it may help to bring in a small dose of pessimism: you might have been just as upset if you had made another decision. Instead of dwelling on the regret of decision-making, understanding that you may have been upset in either scenario helps you sit with the reality of the discomfort that you’re facing. Sitting with discomfort is difficult, and it helps your brain learn that distress is not a failure of choice. Rather, it is a natural part of life experience. Next time you face a decision, know that you might experience some discomfort, and that’s okay. Accepting potential discomfort as part of decision-making will help you move from indecision to a decision.
The Bigger Picture
Now, let’s zoom out a bit to look at situations bigger than sandwiches. Some decisions take a lot of strength, like taking a step in your relationship or pursuing a new career. In these higher-stakessituations, it makes sense to weigh your options thoroughly rather than jump to the easiest option. However, you may find yourself in a similar situation where the fear of making the “wrong” choice becomes overwhelming. This overwhelm can often push people into analysis paralysis, a term for the inability to make a decision when experiencing uncertainty about the choice. In these cases, indecisiveness can feel safer than deciding because at least it’s not the “wrong” choice.
The truth is that even indecision is a decision. It’s the choice not to do something. This might sound scary, but it can actually be liberating as well. The things in your life that bring you joy, passion, excitement, and fulfillment all require you to make decisions that align with your vision of the person you want to become. Some decisions will not feel 100% perfect, but life moves forward nonetheless, and you should take your part in shaping it the way you want to live it.
Next time you’re experiencing a sense of analysis paralysis, use these steps to move forward with confidence.
- Narrow your choices: As much as possible. Once you have decided on the options, resist the urge to continue searching for more choices.
- Look for the satisficing option: Explore your own needs, both now and in the future, to decide what is most important. Consider which qualities of the decision are most important to you and use that as a priority when weighing your options.
- Set time limits for decision-making: The time dedicated to each decision should appropriately match the impact of that decision.
- Make the choice: Once you’ve made the decision, it’s made. Don’t continue researching other options or seek reassurance from additional sources. You’ve chosen your path; stay on it.
- Practice gratitude for your decision:Look for the positives within the decision you have made instead of fantasizing about what another choice would have brought you. Find ways to affirm your own decision-making skills, even when things don’t feel perfectly right.
If you have been experiencing analysis paralysis and want to work on your ability to sit with discomfort, you may benefit from working with a DBT trained therapist. In this work, you can better understand why your discomfort is arising in the context of your choice and learn skills to tolerate uncertainty and uncomfortable emotional experiences, such as regret and guilt. The exploration within the therapeutic space sets the groundwork for the choices you make in the real world. By working with a professional, you can co-create a decision-making framework based on your goals and values.
