Maybe you went out for a drink after work and stayed later than you planned. The next morning, you felt a little off about it, and you wondered, not for the first time, whether you drink more than you should. Then you thought about your friends and coworkers, who drink just as much, and decided it was probably fine.
A lot of my clients have had some version of that moment. In New York, so much of dating and work happens over a drink that it’s hard to tell what’s normal and what isn’t. When everyone around you drinks the same way, it’s easy to brush the question off.
The question is still worth asking, even if the answer isn’t obvious. Here’s how to tell the difference between social drinking and drinking that’s starting to cost you something.
So, What Counts as Social Drinking?
Social drinking fits around your life. You have a glass of wine at dinner or a couple of beers at the game, and you stop when you planned to. If a party turns out to be dry, you might be a little disappointed, but you still go, and you still have a good time. You could take a month off without it feeling like a big deal.
It also helps to know the numbers. The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism defines binge drinking as about four or more drinks for women or five or more for men in roughly two hours. Heavy drinking is four or more drinks on any day or eight or more a week for women, and five or more on any day or 15 or more a week for men. A lot of people who think of themselves as social drinkers are surprised to find that a typical Friday night or a bottomless brunch puts them over those lines.
However, these numbers don’t tell the whole story. Two people can drink the same amount and have completely different relationships with alcohol. Why you’re drinking, and what happens when you don’t, matters just as much.
Signs It’s Become More Than Social
When most of us picture a drinking problem, we picture someone who needs a drink every morning or hides bottles from their family. In reality, it often looks much more ordinary. For a lot of people, it’s the feeling that once they start drinking, they can’t stop, and there’s no telling where the night will take them. That alone is usually enough to take seriously.
Alcohol use disorder ranges from mild to severe, and you don’t have to hit some dramatic rock bottom for drinking to be getting in your way. Here are some other signs worth paying attention to.
You drink more than you planned. You go out for one drink and end up closing the bar, and it happens often enough that you’ve stopped making plans at all.
You’ve tried to cut back, and it didn’t stick. Maybe you did Dry January or swore off weeknight drinking, and two weeks later you were right back where you started.
When you control it, it isn’t fun, and when it’s fun, you can’t control it. If the nights you stick to two drinks feel flat, and the nights you actually enjoy always go too far, that’s something to look at.
Drinking is how you cope. After a tense call with your mom or before a first date, you’re nervous about, a drink is what gets you through it. When alcohol is your main way of handling anxiety, it gets harder to sit with that anxiety without one.
You need more to feel it. Two drinks used to get you there, and now it takes four.
You feel physically off when you don’t drink. Shakiness, sweating, trouble sleeping, or feeling on edge the day after can be signs of withdrawal, and they’re worth bringing up with a doctor.
People have said something. A partner or friend has commented on your drinking, and you got defensive, or you’ve started playing down how much you had.
You keep drinking even when it costs you. You’ve missed work or blacked out, and you’re still drinking the same way.
The Gray Area: When You’re Fine on Paper
Plenty of people who drink too much look completely put together. They go to work and pay rent on time, so they figure their drinking can’t be an issue. This is sometimes called gray area drinking. You might not meet the criteria for alcohol use disorder, but you think about drinking a lot, you wake up with that sinking feeling about something you said last night, and part of you wishes you drank less.
Holding it together on the outside makes it easier to wave off what’s happening underneath. A question I like to ask: is alcohol adding something to your life, or are you spending a lot of energy managing it?
Being in the gray area doesn’t automatically mean you have to quit forever. It does mean it’s worth taking a closer look now, while change still feels manageable.
Questions to Ask Yourself
Try answering these honestly and try not to compare yourself to the friend who always drinks more than you. (Everyone has one.)
Start with the simplest one: why am I drinking?
● Is there a feeling I’m trying to drown out?
● Do I like myself more when I’m drinking?
● Do I feel like I have to drink, even after I’ve told myself I’m going to stop?
● Am I looking forward to the drinks more than the event itself?
Then ask yourself whether it’s still working:
● Is this still fun?
● Do I like who I am when I’m drunk?
● Am I proud of the things I do after drinking?
● Would taking 30 days off make me uneasy?
If you said yes to a few of these, that doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It’s a sign to get curious about your drinking. NIAAA’s Rethinking Drinking site has a free self-assessment and tools for tracking and cutting back.
What Actually Helps
Track it first. For two or three weeks, write down what you drink without trying to change anything. Note who you were with and how you were feeling. Most people spot patterns fast, like always drinking more after talking to family or before a date.
Make a plan before you go out. Decide on a number ahead of time or order something without alcohol between drinks. A limit you set while sober is a lot easier to stick to than one you make at the bar.
Notice what comes up when you don’t drink. If a sober Friday night leaves you restless or anxious, that’s useful information. It tells you something about what the alcohol was doing for you.
Watch your self-talk. Shame tends to keep people drinking. If your inner voice sounds like I’m such a mess or I can’t do anything right, try talking to yourself the way you’d talk to a friend who came to you with the same worry.
When It’s Time to Talk to Someone
You don’t have to wait until drinking has cost you something big to get support. If you keep coming back to the question, that’s reason enough. Our page on when to seek therapy covers other signs it might be time.
individual therapy, we can figure out what you want your relationship with alcohol to look like, without anyone lecturing you, and work on what’s underneath the drinking. If alcohol is causing tension at home, couples therapy gives you both a place to talk about it without having the same fight again. Our DBT skills group teaches tools for handling stress and big emotions without reaching for a drink.
One important note: if you’ve been drinking heavily every day, talk to a doctor before you stop. Alcohol withdrawal can be medically dangerous.
You Don’t Need a Label to Make a Change
You don’t have to figure out today whether you’d call it a drinking problem. Start by being honest with yourself about how it’s going. Have the drink if you want it, skip it if you don’t, and if you can’t tell the difference anymore, reach out.
