The start of a relationship, often called the honeymoon phase, can be exciting because everything feels new. The honeymoon phase is about enjoying being with someone you feel close and connected to for the first time; conflict is often minimal, positive emotions surge, and attraction can increase sex drive and curiosity. Exploring one another’s preferences, mutual interest, and attraction can make sex more interesting and enjoyable.
After a few months, the excitement can start to feel normal; you fall into a routine, and intimacy can feel less novel. It may be more comfortable to have physical affection cuddling, kissing, touching one another with lapses in sex and less desire to be sexually intimate, rather leaning towards other forms of physical affection.
Not only are there limitations with libido and sex based on the world around you and the choices each of you make, but also biologically within us. Age, hormone changes, illness, chronic disease, and injuries can all impact sex drive. As time goes on, one or more of the above can impact how you may connect with your partner, impacting one or both of your sex drives.
Biology of sex:
Different areas of the brain are associated with sexual arousal, including the hypothalamus, brain stem, and spinal cord, as well as several cortical brain areas. All of which have different roles in influencing sexual response and desire. Neurotransmitters and modulators involved in the endocrine system: androgens are the neurotransmitters most closely associated with libido. Testosterone and estrogen are hormones that directly impact sexual desire at any age for all genders. Sometimes these shifts stem from age or other biological changes that a doctor or specialist can test and address to identify the underlying cause of libido and hormone shifts.
Age can impact libido and interest in sex individually or with a partner. When younger, sex with a partner can be more novel; your energy levels when younger make things more interesting and exciting, increasing a couple’s sex drive. Solitary sex, also referred to as masturbation, can be more common when older; there is less intense need for exploration of new sexual experiences, looking for consistency and comfort. As we age, our hormone levels also shift. Menopause affects hormone levels in individuals with female sex organs, including lower hormone levels, less natural lubrication causing discomfort and dryness during intercourse, challenges with arousal including difficulty with orgasm, in addition to other physical side effects that can impact energy and interest in sex. Individuals with male sex organs may experience shifts in sex hormones causing erectile dysfunction, challenges with arousal, and lower libido. This may happen when one partner is experiencing a biological shift in libido. At the same time, the other has an increase in sexual desire, such as during times of fertility and increases in testosterone.
Mental health can also be a factor that could shift libido. Depression, addiction, anxiety, psychosis including schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and other mental health disorders can cause a decrease in energy and libido. It can cause someone to feel uncomfortable having sex with another individual due to preoccupation with internal thoughts and emotions. Sex is vulnerable, exposing yourself, your preferences, and your kinks to another person. Anxiety, especially, can influence thought patterns that make it difficult to be vulnerable. For someone with bipolar disorder who experiences periods of mania and depression, libido can fluctuate during episodes, wavering from heightened sexual desire to minimal or no interest in sex. Addiction can also impact sexual desire, which can create distance with couples.
Chronic illness such as cancer can affect one’s energy and hormone levels that influence libido. Medication can impact libido as well; psychotropic and medical medications can influence hormone levels, access to neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine accessed during sex, and energy levels. Hormone replacement therapy for individuals transitioning can also impact sexual desire.
Other impacts to sex drive:
Increased demands in schedule can also affect sex drive; whether it is increased responsibility at work, becoming a caregiver, starting a family, adopting a pet, or whatever life may throw your way, your capacity to be intimate may alter. Adapting to another person in your life, sharing a home, learning their quirks, and adjusting to a shared space and/or shared bed can affect intimacy. Initiation can also change when there is less energy to keep things exciting and maintain intimacy. Once you are out of the routine and frequency of sexual intimacy, getting it back can be an adjustment as well.
Conflict, disagreements, and tension can influence sex drive as well. Once the honeymoon period is over, couples often disagree more openly; this doesn’t have to be a bad thing, but rather a way for each person to express different opinions. Even if conflict isn’t problematic, it can still cause irritability, frustration, sadness, and feelings of hurt that can affect closeness and intimacy with partners. Often, sexual desire is the first thing to lapse when a couple is having problems and, in reverse, can be the first thing to return when there is a repair. Infidelity or betrayal can impact sex due to this challenge of vulnerability when trust has been severed or challenged.
How to handle changes in sex drive?
Start with small moments and strengthen your connection. Find other ways to feel physically close to one another, strengthening emotional connection and trust as you build toward physical connection and desire. Remind one another why you are together, what you enjoy about intimacy, and what you want from sex and physical affection moving forward. You may have to schedule a time to have sex, making it a priority. It may not be easy to navigate one partner’s increase or decrease in sexual desire while the other person’s does not. Find ways to communicate about erectile dysfunction through compassion and questions. Find ways to communicate without enhancing conflict; check out this blog for more ideas on how to start these conversations.
Go to your primary care doctor if you are noticing changes in your sex drive that feel abnormal and persistent. Couples therapy can also help you manage these changes by providing an open, unbiased, safe space to navigate these challenges, especially when things feel gridlocked and communication isn’t healthy or effective.
