If you experience a change in physical or sexual attraction towards your partner, it can feel very confusing and upsetting. You may still feel strong love for your partner, but notice that there is a shift in the level of physical or sexual attraction that you have for them. While this can be alarming, it is a common experience, and you can do things to improve it. It is also important to remember that love and attraction are two different things, and just because you are struggling in the area of physical or sexual attraction does not mean you do not love your partner. Attraction is often an immediate desire or interest in someone, while love is a longer-lasting emotional bond or connection that typically grows over time.
Different types of attraction are separate but interrelated within relationships. Physical or aesthetic attraction involves being attracted to your partner’s outward appearance and physical traits, and partners should recognize that this shifts over time in long-term relationships and as both partners age. Sexual attraction involves the desire to have sexual intimacy with your partner. A partner can still want physical connection even if they are not currently feeling a sexual attraction. This can be complex because oftentimes people conflate physical attraction with sexual attraction, but these do not always go hand in hand. Emotional and romantic attraction are separate as well, and certain types of attraction can be stronger at certain points in a relationship, while others may be weaker. These different types of attraction can fluctuate throughout a relationship, while love for your partner can remain stable across it all.
What Might be Influencing a Change in Attraction Towards Your Partner?
If you notice a shift in your attraction toward your partner, look at it with curiosity rather than panic. It does not mean that you do not love your partner and does not necessarily mean that you should not be with your partner; however, it could signal that there is something deeper going on either individually or within the couple that needs to be healed or worked through. Some potential contributors could be the following:
● Deeper Emotional Issues or Resentment Within a Relationship
○ If you are experiencing a change in attraction towards your partner, it is important first to examine the emotional connection. Oftentimes, if the emotional connection is suffering, it will be harder to focus on the physical or sexual attraction or connection between one another. If there are perpetual unresolved issues in a relationship that are not being addressed well, or underlying resentments building up due to a lack of communication between partners, this can contribute to having a negative overall attitude towards your partner, which could lead you to focus on the negative qualities about your partner rather than the positive. This relates to a phenomenon that Dr. John Gottman refers to as “negative sentiment override”, in which over time within a relationship, past experiences cause one or both partners to filter future interactions through a negative lens. These unhealthy dynamics can lead a person to focus less on the qualities they find attractive in their partner, rather than on the positive qualities and aspects that attracted them in the first place, which can decrease physical or sexual attraction overall.
● Mental Health Challenges and Overall Stress Level
○ Mental health symptoms or general stress can impact overall mood, libido, and ability to connect with your partner. This can lead to lower motivation to be intimate, a greater tendency to isolate, and a more negative outlook overall. All of this can impact feelings of attraction and connection.
● Body Image and Self-Esteem
○ One’s personal relationship with their own body and sense of self-worth overall can contribute to feelings of attraction and connection with a partner. Those who are critical of themselves are often more critical of others. If someone doesn’t feel confident in themselves, they may project those insecurities onto their partner by focusing on their partner’s flaws rather than their strengths. When a person doesn’t feel confident, it can become a barrier to physical connection and intimacy and can affect attraction within the couple. Additionally, in long-term relationships, both partners will see shifts in their appearance as they age, and this can often be an adjustment for one or both partners.
● Relationship Dynamics and Life Transitions
○ Long-term couples go through shifts and changes throughout life. Oftentimes, people make the mistake of assuming that the physical or sexual attraction they feel towards their partner in the beginning will remain for the rest of the relationship. For some couples, this may be true, but for most, desire and attraction shift as the couple moves through life. Life transitions can contribute to this and affect how partners see one another. For example, moving in together, becoming parents, facing financial difficulties, and shifting gender roles within the household can change partners’ views of each other and their attraction. When life gets busy, couples can start to feel more like “roommates” than romantic partners, and their attraction may slowly shift if the relationship isn’t properly tended to. Additionally, the concept of “mental load,” or carrying the burden of household responsibilities, can drive major changes in many households. When one partner takes on the burden of these household tasks, it can become overwhelming. It can definitely shift attraction levels in a partnership if one partner feels they are the ‘caretaker’ of the household or the other partner.
● Preferences
○ People are often thought to have a “type” or preference in looks when dating or in relationships. Throughout life and time, it is natural for people’s bodies and overall image to change. Sometimes this can be difficult for partners to adapt to if they are holding an ideal, unrealistic, or past image of their partner in their mind. This can be a sensitive subject in relationships, and it is important to recognize that it is normal for people to change over time. Your partner won’t look the same forever if you are together long-term, and that is okay. It is important to put more focus on the deeper and unchanging aspects of your partner that you love and admire, such as their values, qualities, and traits, rather than superficial physical aspects that can shift and change with time. It can also help to find beauty and acceptance in the natural changes people’s bodies and minds go through throughout life. If there is concern about your partner’s self-care or health that is causing physical changes that are also affecting your attraction to your partner, this is also valid and should be healthily communicated in a caring and nonjudgmental way.
What to do When You are Not Feeling Physically or Sexually Attracted to Your Partner?
○ Experiencing a loss of attraction towards your partner can feel very lonely and isolating, as many people do not want to share these feelings with their partner due to feeling guilty, shameful, or wanting to protect their partner’s feelings. However, communication and recognizing what lies at the root of these difficulties are essential to repairing this issue in relationships. While this can be a sensitive subject, the first step is honest, healthy communication. When you share this with your partner, focus on your own feelings and needs rather than being critical, and let them know you are voicing this because you want to work together to make things better. Ask your partner open-ended questions, and work together to understand how attraction may have shifted over time. When you express this, let your partner have their own feelings about what you voiced, without trying to change their emotions. In addition to communicating about the problem at hand, it is also important to communicate across all areas of the relationship to continue improving the emotional connection.
● Don’t Put Too Much Pressure On The Physical Intimacy; Focus on The Emotional Connection
○ Sometimes when this issue occurs in relationships, the couple overfocuses on trying to make sexual intimacy happen. This isn’t the best approach, and focusing more on the emotional connection can help the physical connection return more quickly. Putting too much pressure on the physical aspect can lead to one partner feeling rejected, which leads the other partner to want to fix it, which then leads to more pressure, and this is not an effective cycle for anyone. Focus first on having fun together, spending time together, having deeper conversations, asking one another questions, and dating one another again before putting pressure on the physical side.
● Increase Verbal and Non- Sexual Physical Affection
○ As emotional connection increases, it can then be helpful to improve both verbal and non-sexual physical affection. Do this by focusing on small moments of touch or connection, which can make a big difference over time. Additionally, verbalizing compliments, appreciation, or positive feelings towards your partner can also go a long way.
● Couples Therapy
○ If you are struggling with persistent shifts in attraction within your relationship, couples therapy can be a helpful resource to support conversation and improvement on this topic between partners. Because this topic often involves strong emotions, having a third party to support and guide you can help many couples.
