The clock’s ticking… It’s baby-making time. Not exactly the sexiest phrase to get intimacy started.
For many men, trying to have a baby with their partner can shift what was once a pleasurable experience into a mechanical task with a countdown clock ticking in the background. Deciding to start a family is a big step, and it starts in these moments.
The shift from sex for pleasure to sex for reproduction changes the dynamic between partners. There is an increased pressure on both partners to engage in sex, regardless of active desire in the moment, which naturally fluctuates even within partnerships that are regularly intimate. If feelings of pressure, anxiety, and disconnect from your body are coming up for you in these moments, you are not alone. We will explore common themes that come up for men when they are trying to have a baby and point to actionable steps that can help reignite intimacy and autonomy in the bedroom.
When Sex Becomes Reproduction
The “I have to” mentality. When sex becomes tied to ovulation windows rather than genuine sexual desire, sex can feel more like a requirement than a choice. Family planning requires a physical sexual output at designated times; therefore, this mentality of “I have to have sex whenever she’s ovulating” becomes reinforced. Yet sexual desire fluctuates on its own timetable. In this context, sex can feel coercive and mandatory, and this pressure can be especially sensitive for anyone who has experienced sexual coercion or violence in the past. This type of trauma can be incredibly difficult to acknowledge, and it may seem easier to comply instead of acknowledging your own valid reasons for not wanting to have sex. Over time, your forced compliance can grow into resentment that spills over into other aspects of your relationship.
The Sex Machine. When sex is aimed at reproduction, ejaculation is treated as the singular goal of sex, rather than mutual pleasure. Men can often feel like their role is neither to give nor receive pleasure, but to create and deliver sperm for procreation. This can make men feel like nothing more than their output and can lead to feelings of objectification. There is a complex physiological and psychological system that produces an erection and ejaculation. When sex is perceived as a demand that must be met, it is natural to feel increased pressure towards your own body to respond in a specific way at any given time. This increased psychological pressure can actually produce the opposite result and can make it more likely to experience instances of sexual dysfunction.
What “no” means. If you are not in the mood to have sex, you might fear that saying “no” could communicate your lack of commitment to the family planning process to your partner, rather than reflect your lack of present-moment desire to engage in sexual intimacy. Because you don’t want your partner to believe you are unsupportive or non-committal about starting a family, you may back down from expressing any discontent, including natural feelings of exhaustion, frustration, or anxiety. Suppressing your feelings doesn’t make them go away. It can often lead to emotional withdrawal that shows up both in and out of the bedroom.
These are some distressing themes that come up for men as they try to reproduce with their partners. So what can be done about it? The key is communication.
Tell your partner how you’re feeling. Initiate a conversation outside of the bedroom where you express how you’re experiencing some anxiety around sex. Talk about what it’s like to feel immense pressure always to be ready to have sex, both physically and mentally. Let your partner know that you’re struggling to communicate your feelings because of a fear that you’ll be met with guilt. Reaffirm that your consent matters even in the context of trying to have a child.
Validate your mutual desire to start a family. If you fear that saying no to sex may communicate an unwillingness to commit to starting a family, it is important to clearly de-link sexual desire from family planning. State to your partner that your desire to start a family is strong, and demonstrate that you understand the frustration you’re actively experiencing is with the process, not the outcome.
Acknowledge that the pressure is shared. Both partners must have sex within the ovulation window to produce a child. Use I-statements to center your experience, instead of blaming your partner for pressuring you. Use We-Statements to discuss the challenges that come with the pressure of having sex on a timetable. This will invite your partner to share some of the stress they have likely been feeling too, and you can both move forward in reigniting the intimacy that makes sex mutually enjoyable.
Listen to your partner’s response. Hopefully, your partner will hear your experience and validate the concerns you’ve stated. Maybe they will offer their own experience of hardship in the family planning process, including any upcoming anxiety concerning pregnancy, childbirth, and navigating new parenthood. Communication about sensitive topics often brings up mutual concerns, and it’s important to reaffirm your needs while acknowledging your partner’s needs as well. Actively listening to her experience and acknowledging the pressure she feels will help her understand that expressing your feelings doesn’t mean you’re not supporting her distress. Mutual listening is key to building a healthy relationship where both partners can express their concerns and feel supported in their unique experience of hardship.
Family planning is never a simple journey. It takes both partners’ commitment for this process to be both successful and enjoyable. Here are some steps you both can take to keep intimacy intact while still working with “the clock.”
- Ovulation Tracking – Both partners should be tracking ovulation cycles. This changes the narrative from one partner stating that it’s time to have sex to both partners knowing when it will be most effective to try for a baby. Many apps support ovulation tracking, such as Flo and Clue. Adjust the app notifications to your comfort level, because an alert can feel even more demanding.
- Increase intimacy outside of ovulation windows – Having sex without the intention of conception helps reignite intimacy between partners centered on your connection and pleasure. Try increasing intimacy in ways besides penetrative sex too, including through sensual touch, sex toys, and whatever else you and your partner are into!
- Keep clock talk out of the bedroom – If the bedroom is the intimate space, then the place to discuss family planning concerns, ovulation windows, and other conception-based conversations should be held somewhere else. Family planning naturally comes with anxiety, and these conversations are important to have. By physically separating the stress of family planning from conception, you keep the bedroom centered on the connection and pleasure associated with intimacy.
All in all, this is a very exciting and scary time! Feeling pressure throughout this entire process is incredibly common, and it’s just the beginning. Pregnancy and child-rearing are two huge impending steps in the family planning process, and you are going to have uncomfortable feelings throughout all of it. If you sow the seeds of honest and open communication early on, you’ll be able to handle it together and enjoy the many benefits of starting a family.
