Sexuality. Is it innate? Does it change? Are you Born This Way, as Lady Gaga says? Or is college really the only time for exploration and discovery? The truth is, there is no deadline for discovering yourself. Let’s talk about sexual fluidity and what it means when new experiences, desires, and drives emerge later in life.
Sexual fluidity is the concept that people’s capacity for sexual drives and responsiveness to sexual stimuli can change. Our sexual response system is situation-dependent so desires can shift over short-term or long-term periods. New environments, people, experiences, or even our own development can influence it. Sexuality evolves as we experience ourselves and the world around us.
If you are someone who has recently experienced a new feeling towards someone you never thought you’d be attracted to, welcome. Your experience is valid, and you are not alone. Together, we’ll explore ways to address natural feelings that may come up as you navigate this new experience.
Sexual Fluidity Later-in-Life
Stepping into a new understanding of sexuality later in life is not a retraction of the past. Your experiences up to now helped shape who you are. You are and were valid at every stage of your life. Sexual fluidity may come up later in life because your life may look entirely different than when you were first exploring your sexuality and having new sexual experiences.
Later in life, you may find that you experience less social pressure to conform. With time to reflect on societal norms, you may want to explore beyond the boundary you once lived within. It wasn’t wrong of you to stay within that boundary before. Now, you may have more distance, and you might feel free to explore beyond it.
Many later-life transitions prompt self-reflection. Whether retirement, divorce, your children’s departure from the home, or the death of a spouse, these changes can become the catalysts for exploring questions you once thought were answered. Life changes bring new experiences, and as change begins, it opens the door to other realms of possibility.
Our environment greatly shapes how we experience ourselves. Over the last twenty or so years, the cultural acceptance of LGBTQIA+ individuals has changed. With increasing media representation, legal victories, and open conversations about queer identities, adults may be discovering new ways of understanding themselves. The visibility of queer lives and queer stories may prompt older adults to find themselves in ways they may not have recognized when discrimination and homophobia were embedded into the rhetoric against queer individuals.
As young people, we set out on certain paths. Some time ahead, you may look back on your own footsteps and wonder what life would have looked like if you walked along the other side of the fork in the road. It’s never too late to take the road less traveled at the fork ahead.
Addressing Shame
If you are embarking on this new journey, or are on the precipice of change, there may be a lot of emotions coming your way, all of which are natural. You might feel confused, since this experience feels unfamiliar. You may wonder if it’s real or try to talk yourself out of it. Shame might creep in, telling you that you don’t deserve to have this experience because you didn’t know soon enough. You might feel stuck, unsure whether you can act on it, and helpless. These distressing feelings are normal. Often, they arise from fear: fear of how this will affect your relationships with your loved ones, and fear of how it will affect your relationship with yourself. It’s more important than ever to be gentle and compassionate with yourself at this time.
It’s normal to experience thoughts such as, why did it take me so long to figure out, or, maybe it’s just a phase. When you find these thoughts arising, remind yourself that sexual fluidity is a normal expansion of your identity, not a lack of clarity. As a kid, you may not have liked certain foods, but after some time you try them again, and suddenly you enjoy them. Our palettes and preferences expand with age and experience. Say you didn’t like olives as a kid, so you didn’t try them for years, but now you love the salty snack. When we look back on our younger selves, we don’t get mad that we didn’t like olives at the time, even though we might have enjoyed them a bit earlier than we realized. Instead, we appreciate that we have grown to enjoy them now, and savor each bite. Sexuality can be pretty similar. You may never have felt attracted to people of a certain gender as a young person, but you may have grown to feel attraction to them with age. When you start to feel upset with a younger version of yourself, notice the tendency to judge and disparage them for not knowing, and guide yourself toward compassion and present-moment appreciation for what you know now.
Navigating The Conversation
If you’ve reached a place of self-acceptance, congratulations. This is already a big step. You might still worry about how others will react or feel lost about your next steps. That makes sense. Older adults may face challenges as they navigate new identities and the big question of how to tell others, so let’s map out ways to address these conversations.
If you have a current partner, an honest conversation about evolving sexuality might seem incredibly daunting. It’s important to set up your own expectation that they may have a heavy emotional response to this. They might experience shock, anger, confusion, and rejection. If these emotions come up, give them space to communicate them. Once you’ve allowed them to share their authentic reaction, you can reaffirm that your sexuality evolution does not mean that you regret your relationship or that your shared love is or was any less real. Emphasize that this is your internal evolution, not a failure on their part. From there, address the path forward. For some couples, this may prompt separation. For others, it may mean redefining the relationship’s monogamous boundaries. There is no one right answer, so your conversation should help you decide together what’s best for both partners going forward.
If you have children, you may be wondering whether to tell them and, if so, how they might react. The choice to disclose your sexual identity to your children is yours, and it may depend on their age and the nature of your relationship to them. If you want to share this with your children, keep their worries in mind and reassure them about family stability. This will depend heavily on your earlier conversation with your partner about the family dynamic, so be explicit about what changes will occur and reaffirm your unconditional love and support for them. If you and your partner are separating, validate your children’s concerns about two shocking changes in their lives. Let the conversation unfold slowly, and listen to their reactions and thoughts.
If you don’t have a partner or children, there are still concerns that may come up in telling loved ones about sexuality later in life. It can feel daunting to imagine how everyone will react, so start small and choose one trusted person you know will accept you for who you are. Having this person in your corner can be a strong emotional anchor as you navigate this new experience.
If you are exploring a new queer identity, seek out your LGBTQIA+ community. Organizations such as SAGE provide support networks specifically for older queer individuals. Hearing stories from others who walked your path at 50, 60, or even 70 can be incredibly inspiring.
By intentionally paving the path toward self-acceptance and open communication with your loved ones, you’re moving toward your most authentic self. When distressing feelings come up, allow them to visit. You are navigating lots of new challenges, and it’s normal to feel scared. Gently guide yourself back toward self-compassion, and lean on those you can trust.
