What do you do when the messages that taught you about God also taught you how to feel about your body, desire, and intimacy?
When raised with a religious background, sex may have been presented as something sacred, saved for marriage, and connected to purity, holiness, and commitment. Scripture communicates a clear message about sexual behavior:
“For this is God’s will, your sanctification: that you keep away from sexual immorality, that each of you knows how to control his own body in holiness and honor.” — 1 Thessalonians 4:3–4
“Do not stir up or awaken love until the appropriate time.” — Song of Solomon 2:7; 3:5; 8:4
“Be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth.” — Genesis 1:28
These messages become part of how sex is understood from an early age. Sex belongs within marriage. Desire has boundaries. The body is something to be honored and sometimes even … feared. And if you’re told not to have sex before marriage, that sexual experience makes you “impure,” that God won’t love you, or that you’ll go to hell … your feelings towards intimacy can get … well, complicated.
The influence of faith that you absorb, as it relates to sex, relationships, and the body, can be explored with openness to ensure your current beliefs feel aligned rather than largely assumed. Religious influence looks different for everyone, and we embrace that across denominations, communities, cultures, family systems, and personal interpretations of faith. There is no message that is inherently “right” or “wrong.” Instead, we can focus more on how the message was received and whether itis still serving you.
If religious messaging implies that premarital sex is sinful, you might feel inclined to abandon that belief entirely if it feels bad. But instead of swinging to the other extreme, we can explore those beliefs with curiosity while making space to embrace safe, consensual, and playful intimacy.
Similarly, if a religious belief only references sexual pleasure with reproduction or commitment of marriage, and this no longer feels aligned, we might explore deeper understandings of sexual intimacy within the framework of human needs. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs places sex among physiological needs, alongside essentials such as breathing, eating, sleeping, and water. This perspective balances how sex and intimacy fit into our lives more organically.
Lastly, religious upbringing may include messaging around modesty, as it relates to purity. In adulthood, someone may begin to feel a desire for greater bodily autonomy and freedom from shame, which can support a healthier relationship with body image, self-expression, and sexual confidence.
There is a real possibility of feeling intense emotions like SHAME when you feel you’ve done something that goes against your belief system or even when you’ve thought something that conflicts with your ingrained beliefs. Within this context, shame might show up after kissing someone you liked on a date, only to go home and feel dirty afterward. It might look like feeling anxious about communicating your sexual needs, even after being in a long-term relationship for years. Or it may look like feeling disconnected from your body and desire entirely.
When faith shapes our understanding of intimacy, fear can become part of the process. And when we engage in behaviors that go against the “rules” we’ve internalized for our life, guilt and shame can follow. The work goes beyond simply coping with those feelings or becoming “more comfortable” with sex. It’s more like: how do I make choices that feel informed and intentional … grounded in human connection, my present-day values, and greater self-awareness.
So, what even is intimacy?
The word itself comes from the Latin intimus, meaning “innermost.” Intimacy involves mutually sharing deep feelings, thoughts, vulnerability, and experiences with another person. At its core, it requires trust, safety, and genuine regard for another human being.
The layers of intimacy are deep and wide:
Emotional intimacy: expressing feelings, being vulnerable, feeling known and seen
Physical intimacy: touch, affection, closeness, and sexuality
Intellectual intimacy: sharing ideas, beliefs, perspectives, and curiosity
Experiential intimacy: creating shared memories and experiencing life together
Spiritual intimacy: sharing perspectives on faith, deeper meaning, values, or philosophy
At its root, intimacy is about trust, vulnerability, and connection. Sex is just one of many expressions of physical intimacy, yet it often carries significant weight and even more stigma. Asking the questions below allows us to redefine intimacy with less fear and more permission to be curious:
Do I want to do this?
Does this feel aligned with my values?
Do I feel safe?
Am I comfortable?
Do I feel connected to the other person?
Whether the answers to these questions are yes or no, the best part has already happened; you’ve reintroduced awareness and agency back into the dialogue. The harder part is honoring those answers through your actions. This is where intimacy becomes less about following an inherited set of rules and more about developing a conscious relationship with yourself and others. You get to notice the relationship between what you think, what you feel, what your body is telling you, and how you choose to navigate life.
There is confidence in feeling internally congruent: knowing your choices aren’t happening to you, but are consciously made by you. We can continually learn, unlearn, and relearn throughout our lived experiences. This ongoing process helps us stay aligned with our most authentic selves as we experience positive and negative experiences, allowing emotions to inform the process. Ongoing learning doesn’t mean we dismiss every core belief we’ve been taught. It means we gently re-evaluate what we carry and release beliefs deeply rooted in shame or fear.
The process is often complicated, but it can also be an opportunity for rediscovery. That might look like waiting until marriage to have sex, but making that decision from a genuine place rather than fear. Or it might mean exploring sexual intimacy in new ways while continuing to honor your religious identity. The journey is ultimately about intentionality: deciding what you want to carry forward, what you want to reconsider, and what you feel ready to release, as you allow your relationship with faith to inform your present-day relationship with intimacy.
