The A in LGBTQIA+ has a few different definitions. Many refer to it as Asexual, but others prefer to use the term A-Spectrum (or A-Spec) to encompass both Asexuality and Aromanticism. So, what defines Asexual and Aromantic folks? In this blog, we will define some terms that apply to the A-Spec community, discuss how some A-Spec people may feel isolated in a world that feels sex-oriented, and explore ways to connect with the A-Spec community.
What is the A-Spectrum?
Asexuality is an umbrella term that encompasses folks who may experience little or no sexual attraction, or have little to no preference for engaging in sexual activity with another person. Many people who are Asexual refer to themselves or others as “Ace” or “Aces.” Sexual attraction is different from romantic attraction, and some Aces may desire intimate romantic relationships. Asexuality refers to one’s sexual orientation.
Aromantic refers to those who do not desire romantic relationships. Many refer to themselves or others as “Aro” or “Aros.” They may engage in sexual behavior, or not, but they are not interested in forming intimate romantic relationships. Aromanticism refers to one’s romantic orientation.
An Aro-Ace person experiences neither romantic nor sexual attraction, and prefers not to engage in sexual activity nor romantic partnerships.
Allosexual is a description for folks who experience sexual attraction towards others. It defines those who are not on the asexual spectrum.
Alloromantic describes folks who experience romantic desire and romantic attraction toward others. It defines those who are not on the aromantic spectrum.
It is a normal variation of human sexuality to experience little to no sexual attraction or romantic interest. These terms exist to encapsulate the full spectrum of sexuality. These labels can help you figure out where you fall within these A-Spec categories. You may feel like one hits the nail on the head, or you may oscillate between a few. Sexual identities and romantic orientations can change as well. As time goes on, you may find that different terms feel more true to you. You can use this language to find others who relate to you, and maybe even find a sense of community and belonging. In the last section, we’ll go over some of the avenues to connect with other A-Specs!
Navigating an A-Spec Identity in A Sex-Normative World
Fairytales that end with happily-ever-after, Rom-Coms, and reality dating shows. Media portrayals can make it seem like people are in an endless search for romantic and/or sexual relationships to bring them joy finally. This media reinforces the concepts of Allonormativity and Amatonormativity, terms for the societal assumption that experiencing sexual and romantic attraction is the normal standard. When certain behaviors, appearances, traits, identities, and interests are attributed as “normal,” anything outside of that boundary becomes “abnormal.” As individuals, we compare every facet of ourselves against societal norms through our parents, peers, social media feeds, and even ourselves. This can make us feel like we don’t belong and can harden into shame and loneliness. Looking around and not finding yourself represented can heighten these feelings, so it’s more important than ever to find the proof that you are not alone.
If you’re looking for media representation for yourself, or to show your friends and family, there are great Ace characters like Todd in Bojack Horseman and Elijah in Big Mouth. Both Ace representations showcase the unique and nuanced experience of asexuality, including the process of self-discovery, the difference between asexuality and aromanticism, finding the Ace community, and asexual masturbation. There are also celebrities such as Yasmin Benoit, Tim Gunn, and Piper Curda who talk openly about their asexuality. Asexual behavior is even found among other mammals! Natural variations of sexuality exist in all creatures, not just homo sapiens. You aren’t broken for being who you are; you exist in a world where “normal” is arbitrary and boundless.
It may feel frustrating to have to justify your experience as an A-spec person when it feels like others don’t have to justify their experiences as allosexual people. A-specs can be met with invalidating rhetoric from allosexual and alloromantic folks, such as that it doesn’t exist, or you just haven’t met the right person yet. For A-specs, it is important to them that their friends and family accept them as full, complete human beings, regardless of their status in romantic or sexual relationships. You may feel comfortable expressing this to your loved ones, or you may choose to keep your identity to yourself. You may still face this rhetoric from others, but it doesn’t have to become your rhetoric. Navigating this bias is incredibly difficult, so here are some steps to hold conversations with folks who may not understand your experience.
● Don’t assume malintent. Your friends and family may be confused and have a hard time understanding your perspective. If these are people that you trust, you can acknowledge that they want the best for you, while still affirming your own identity. For example, saying “I know you want me to be happy, but I feel completely satisfied with my life exactly as it is without a romantic/sexual partner” helps them see that your happiness has nothing to do with your A-spec identity.
● Provide some education. Talk about your Ace/Aro identity as another form of sexual orientation. If your friends and family can understand variances between hetero and homosexuality, then they can understand the variance between allo and asexuality. You could mention that it’s part of the LGBTQIA+ community, and even show them the different Aro and Ace pride flags to show there is an existing community you belong to.
● Affirm that this is a sexuality, not a life choice. If you feel like others assume that you have identified with the A-spec community because of life circumstances, re-center the conversation back towards the experience of identity and knowing what feels right to you. Try offering a sense of relatability by saying, “Just like you know that you feel sexual/romantic attraction towards others, I know that I don’t feel sexual/romantic attraction towards others. And there are plenty of people like me.”
● If you feel like the conversation has gotten away from you and you’re noticing that you haven’t gotten through to them, or you feel like your identity is being attacked, feel free to reaffirm your own boundaries and close the conversation by stating, “I chose to share part of myself with you, and I understand this might be hard for you to relate to, but this is who I am, and I’m not looking for advice or validation.”
Finding Your A-spec Community
The A-spec community can provide a powerful antidote to a sex-normative world, offering validation, shared experiences, and a profound sense of relief that you are not alone. There are different ways to connect depending on your comfort level, ranging from digital community forums you can read and participate in to in-person events you can join. Here are some resources that you can check out!
● AVEN is the Asexual Visibility and Education Network. It is an online resource with lots of information on all things Ace. It has different forums on various topics where you can hear firsthand accounts from other Aces discussing their experiences.
● Reddit has many different subreddits for the Ace community, including, but not limited to, r/AroAce, r/Asexual, r/Aromantic, and r/aaaaaaacccccccce and r/aaaaaaaarrrrro, which are pages dedicated solely to Ace and Aro memes and jokes. Reddit is an ever-expanding resource that can allow you to feel connected to others through shared laughter.
● ACES NYC is a local resource that hosts frequent events for Aces to meet up in New York. They host book clubs, gatherings at local bars and parks, and Knit/Craft/Crochet nights. You can join their meetup where all the events are listed and see which ones you would be interested in attending. If you’re outside the NYC area, try searching “aro/ace community in person (your city)” and see what comes up!
If you are ready to take the next step, your community is waiting for you with open arms.
If you find yourself navigating the challenges of living in an allo-normative world, feeling like you desire more support, finding an A-spec affirming therapist could be right for you. Your existence is valid, and you deserve to find care that upholds your identity.
