So, you fell head over heels for someone. Maybe you have imagined your life together, perhaps sitting at the seaside looking lovingly into each other’s eyes. In this daydreamy snapshot of your perfect life, your person is sitting by your side, and you experience nothing but bliss and adoration. But when you look down at your phone and see the unanswered texts, it jolts you back into the real world, leaving you longing for the love you crave from the person you believe can provide it. Let’s face it: “I can fix them” isn’t working.
The fantasy is light and uplifting, but the unfulfillment is heavy and draining. This cycle between hope and despair can be exhausting yet addicting. Each crumb of affection, each affirming word, and each moment together can feel like the proof you need to believe in the fantasy, and it perpetuates the idea that one day they will finally be the person you want them to be. It’s like playing a slot machine. You believe the payout is just out of reach, so you keep playing. It isn’t until the bright shiny lights start to make you feel dizzy that you realize you have spent your time and energy waiting for a reward that isn’t coming. Walking away isn’t defeat; it’s strength. And one DBT skill in particular may help you unlock the tool to walk away from the allure: Radical Acceptance.
Radical acceptance means accepting reality for what it is, without judgment or approval. Within your relationship, you might find yourself working hard to try to improve your dynamic, thinking of ways to make yourself more desirable, or quietly hoping that something or someone would change. When you resist reality as it is, you re-engage in that cycle of disappointment. Within DBT, we call this willfulness. It’s a human reaction. We see something we don’t like in the world, and we express our discontent. Sometimes willfulness shows up as actively trying to create the change you desire; other times, it may look like refusing to participate in conversations or procrastinating on a difficult decision you know you should make. Within a relational dynamic, it makes sense to want to fight for your partner. Isn’t that what happens in all the movies? But the fairytale ending is often as unrealistic as the talking animals.
Radical acceptance asks you to identify your willfulness and intentionally choose willingness. Willingness is a perspective that accepts reality for what it is and recenters your autonomy over what you can control. Let’s take a look at what the shift from willfulness to willingness could look like in a romantic relationship.
“I know that they don’t love me, but I love them, and is it so bad to want something better?”
You know the reality; you don’t like it. That’s okay. This is a painful experience. Accepting something does not mean liking it. Pain is a part of life. Avoiding or denying pain is what hardens the wound into long-term suffering. Acknowledging your pain means you are on the right track. Radical acceptance is not a get-out-of-pain-free card. In fact, it’s the opposite. You have to accept that your own sadness exists. In the past, feeling a mismatch in your love may have led you to seek reassurance from your partner that their love for you is real, to avoid the pain of feeling unloved. Perhaps you got the short-term reassurance you needed, or you were left feeling even more dysregulated when you didn’t get the response you craved. In either case, your wellbeing was reliant on the other person, and facing another challenge would send you back to that state of dependence.
Allowing yourself to feel pain helps you make decisions that align with your true worth. Emotions are cues towards what matters, and some emotions can feel really uncomfortable. It makes sense to want to change those distressing emotions, but all emotions ebb and flow. The more we try to control them, the more we tell ourselves that feeling emotions is unsafe. The best way to understand yourself and your situation is to allow yourself to feel emotions as they emerge. When the experience of an emotion is settling, you can gain greater clarity about the next course of action. A recent study showed that using radical acceptance skills to cope with a personally distressing event actually helped people regulate their experience of negative emotions, producing an overall lowered negative affect.
Simply put, allowing ourselves to feel emotions help them pass more easily. As the saying goes, the only way out is through. Radical acceptance is the path through.
Now, let’s look at the second part of your inner monologue. You ask yourself, “Is it so bad to want something better?” At a glance, no, it is not bad to want something better. In many realms of your life, it is empowering to desire and create situations that reflect your conception of what “better” means. But what does “better” in this context mean? Often, it reflects the wishful fantasy that another person will change. Radical acceptance is so valuable because we cannot control other people’s actions or feelings. Acceptance doesn’t mean approval or tolerance of maltreatment; it simply acknowledges the disconnect between what is desired and what is received. If you find yourself craving “better,” you haven’t failed at achieving radical acceptance. I’ll let you in on a secret: Radical acceptance is not something you achieve. It is a commitment, not a choice.
A tactical skill you can use to reinforce this commitment to yourself is called “Turning the Mind.” As the name implies, your mind is on a path, and you can turn its direction towards radical acceptance. If you are in a daydreamy land, your path is lined with rejecting reality as it is. The first step in turning the mind is to observe the path you are on. What about your current reality makes you want “better?” Look for internal emotions such as bitterness, anger, or annoyance that may be underlying. Once you observe your inner state of being, reinforce your commitment to accept reality as it is. Essentially, turn your mind away from the path of rejection and towards the path of acceptance. Remind yourself that your efforts to evoke love, commitment, and respect from your partner have left you feeling alone. Finding your sense of acceptance comes from letting go of the person you hope they’ll become. Here’s the catch, though – you have to keep turning. Turning your mind happens each time you face a distressing reality and find yourself searching for the way out. Feel your emotions and guide your mind’s path towards accepting reality.
If you want more practical skills to use throughout the day, here are some ways to bring radical acceptance into your awareness as you approach your relationship:
● Journaling to check your own resistance
Notice when you find yourself pushing back against how your partner shows up for you. What are you missing, and what are you craving? Where does the misalignment exist?
● Pay attention to your own “shoulds”
If you find yourself saying my partner “should” or “shouldn’t” do that, or you feel judgment for the choices they make, observe and name this internal feeling. Remember, observing your resistance is the first step towards acceptance.
● Locate resistance in your body and use deep breathing exercises
Our breath naturally ebbs and flows. Paying attention to your breath can help you visualize the shift from resistance to acceptance. As you exhale, imagine yourself releasing the tension that comes from holding resistance. As you inhale, imagine the air filling your body as a sign of the strength you’re calling in to commit to acceptance. Intentional slow breathing activates your parasympathetic nervous system (PNS), which signals to the brain that your body is safe and relaxed, allowing you to make decisions not rooted in fear. Since radical acceptance requires decision-making, breathwork and activation of the PNS is a great way to signal to the brain that willingness is safe.
If you find yourself feeling that you understand how radical acceptance could help you, but it feels just out of reach, it may help to reach out to a DBT-trained therapist who can help you incorporate these skills into your life and provide the accountability you may need to reinforce your commitment to yourself.
Walking away from a relationship is incredibly difficult, but if you feel like staying in a relationship has kept you in the cycle of emotional exhaustion, it might be time to zoom out and reevaluate if you’re getting what you need. Radical acceptance is a reframe. The person you are with can’t give you what you want, and you deserve your blissful fantasy. You might need to look for a new fish in the sea. Anchors aweigh!
