If you have experienced a loved one in distress, you have probably found yourself consistently trying to help them through their hardships. It feels like the right thing to do. However, if our efforts do not yield the results we originally hoped for, we may feel unsuccessful, which can lead to internal distress. Ultimately, there are two people experiencing pain with nowhere to turn. The problem does not lie in the intention to help, but rather in the unfulfilled expectation that we can “save” others from their pain. If this sounds like a pattern you’ve experienced, it is likely time to shift your intentions from saving to supporting.
When we are in “savior-mode,” we unintentionally create a dynamic between ourselves and the other by reinforcing our roles as a rescuer and our loved one’s role as a victim. Dr. Stephen Karpman analyzed this dynamic via what he coined The Drama Triangle. He playfully explores the fairy-tale trope of a princess locked in a castle (the Victim), her evil stepmother trapping her there (the Persecutor), and a heroic prince on a horse (the Rescuer) as emblematic of the various roles we can take on in interpersonal relationships. While fairytales may end with “happily ever after,” real life is more complex.
Research by Lac and Donaldson (2022) found that people often fall into these roles of Victim, Rescuer, or Persecutor in interpersonal conflicts. However, the study found that no matter which role you find yourself in, it can harm your sense of wellbeing because the Drama Triangle reinforces patterns of helplessness, idyllic saviors, and blame. If you find yourself naturally gravitating towards these roles, it may help to assess what elements feel safe and also how they may be perpetuating your own distress. The good news is that there is another “triangle” that adapts our natural inclinations into a healthier dynamic: the Empowerment Triangle.
The Empowerment Triangle looks at relationship dynamics through a compassionate lens, providing a roadmap to shift out of the anxiously-driven response system and into constructive, outcome-oriented relationship dynamics.
Rescuer → Coach
Let’s look closer at the rescuer. They want to provide support, but problems arise when they cannot alleviate the issue being faced. There is an assumption that whoever you are helping cannot help themselves, and you end up carrying the burden all on your shoulders. Responses like “Let me take care of it” or “Here’s exactly what you need to do” indicate that you may be in Rescuer mode.
When we shift our framework from saving to supporting, we create space for the potential our loved ones have to solve their own problems. Instead of “fixing” someone or something, we see ourselves as a resource for our loved ones, providing support where they need it. Our loved ones know their unique situations best and can understand their own needs as they navigate difficulties. Our role as coaches can be multifaceted, but ultimately it is rooted in helping our loved ones solve their own problems.
Lean into curiosity and ask questions that help them recognize their own problem-solving capabilities. An example question you can ask is, “What is important to address first?” “What part of this situation do you have control over?” “How can I best support you right now?” Sometimes, it helps to understand what our loved ones actually need from us. When we hear our loved ones begin to complain, consider asking, “Do you need to vent and be heard right now, or are you looking to brainstorm solutions?” This helps us understand where we might be overstepping into problem-solving mode when we could be more helpful as a listening ear.
Victim → Creator
Now let’s take a look at the role of the “Victim.” It’s perfectly healthy to turn to others in times of distress. People can provide validation, solace, comfort, and support. However, if you find yourself feeling helpless and overly reliant on someone else to alleviate your problems, you may find that each problem you face becomes an impossible task. The cyclical nature of the Drama Triangle prevents you from acting within your abilities and reinforces the belief that another person holds a magical solution. If the problem doesn’t disappear, it can increase feelings of frustration, directed at the problem or at your presumed savior.
The critical shift from victim to creator is taking ownership of both the problem and the outcome. You can lean on your Coach, but you cannot expect them to wave a magic wand. Use empowering responses to show you are a Creator, not a Victim, who needs support rather than a savior. If you are feeling overwhelmed, state how you are feeling and why. Instead of asking them to fix it, next time ask your loved one, “Can I vent to you for 10 minutes so I can think clearly about my next step?” This helps establish your current needs and puts the next outcome within your locus of control.
If you are making a difficult decision and feel yourself wanting to ask, “What should I do?”, instead you may say, “I’ve thought about the pros and cons of each option, but I feel stuck. Do you have time later today to talk this through? I want to consider the long-term impacts of each option, and I want your perspective to help me work through the difference between what the actual risks are versus what I am feeling anxious about.” This shift is especially helpful in detaching from the idea that another person holds the answer to your decision.
This dynamic often comes up in the therapeutic space as well. Clients arrive with difficult decisions and believe that their “all-knowing” therapist knows what is best for them. The truth is that only you know what’s best for you. Decisions hold doubt. Our support systems can help us examine those doubts, and our therapists can help us navigate the discomfort that emerges.
Ultimately, there are three key considerations when shifting your mindset from a Victim to a Creator. First, when asking for support, state your desired outcome. Try to understand what you would like to accomplish when you face challenges. Second, own your independence. Understand that you are the only person who is responsible for addressing the problem. Last, ask for help, not solutions. There are many effective ways people can help us, whether it is listening, brainstorming, or providing accountability. Ask yourself what type of support you need, and be clear in your requests.
Persecutor → Challenger
Karpman’s Drama Triangle, like all good stories, has a twist; these Drama roles are not static. You may enter a conversation with the role of a Rescuer, but when the conflict is unresolved, you may find yourself becoming the Persecutor. The Persecutor may use criticism or undermining to prove their superiority over their loved ones as they face challenges. The Persecutor uses blame to reinforce that their loved one is a Victim and that they need a Rescuer. While it may seem natural to become frustrated or resentful with the patterns that have left you feeling in distress, this communication style perpetuates the conflict that keeps people in their Victim and Rescuer roles.
To become a Challenger, you have to take an active step to break the fairytale curse. If you don’t play the villain, your loved one can’t play the victim. Understand that relational conflict is not a battle between good and evil or right and wrong; rather, it is a dynamic tension that can push both people to evolve. If you believe you know the next right step, ask your loved one questions that encourage their agency to take it. State your understanding of the situation without placing the burden of inaction on them; instead, inquire about obstacles they may be facing. Embrace your own humility. You can’t solve your loved one’s problems, and that is okay. If they ask you to be their Rescuer, set your own boundaries, and ask how you can support them instead. The steps to becoming an effective challenger are: validate the hardship your loved one is facing, affirm your loved one’s agency, and ask an outcome-oriented question.
No matter which role you are occupying, the two main things to encourage as you are making the shift from Drama to Empowerment are agency and support. Life is not a fairytale, and a support system is more effective than a savior. Now, you have the tools to face challenges alongside your loved ones and triumph together. Go forth and write your story!
