Before we jump into how to talk about Erectile Dysfunction (ED), it is important to understand what ED is. ED is a type of penile disorder that impacts the ability to get or maintain an erection.
An erection involves communication between the brain, hormones, nerves, and blood vessels. Because this physiological pathway is so intricate, many factors can disrupt one’s ability to get or maintain an erection. Medical conditions, such as cardiovascular and endocrine dysfunctions, can disrupt blood flow. Certain medications may impact blood pressure and sexual functioning. There is also a relationship between one’s psychological and emotional state and ED. When the brain is under stress, it produces increased levels of stress hormones, which actively constrict blood vessels. This is why one instance of ED can become recurring if there is a feeling of “performance pressure” to get and maintain erections in subsequent sexual contexts.
ED is also incredibly common. It impacts nearly 30 million men in the United States, and its prevalence increases with age. Roughly 50% of men in their 50s struggle with ED, and it increases to about 70% in their 70s.
Despite commonality, men are often left without healthy communication models to address what’s happening in the bedroom. If sexual dysfunctions go unaddressed, both partners tend to blame themselves. Men may view themselves as “underperforming,” and their partners may assume that a lack of erection means a lack of attraction. Both are likely fundamentally untrue, and these narratives may contribute to growing pressure and resentment within the relationship. The only way to break this cycle is honest communication.
Here are 10 ways to talk with your partner that center open and honest dialogue about the difficulties associated with ED.
- Choose a Neutral Time and Place to Hold a Conversation
Check in with your partner beforehand to see if they are in the headspace to have a vulnerable conversation. DON’T: have this conversation right after a difficult sexual encounter. In these moments, tensions are running high for both of you, and it’s best to initiate this conversation in a neutral place, like a living room or on a bench at a park.
Having this talk outside of the bedroom signals that this is about more than just sex. This conversation centers on your health and its impact on your relationship, so it’s important to have the physical space match the conversation’s intention.
- Explain Erectile Dysfunction as a Medical Issue, Not a Personal One
Your partner may not understand what ED is, so it’s helpful to research beforehand and identify your underlying factors. If you have been to a doctor, telling your partner about your healthcare experience can help normalize the condition and demonstrate to them that this issue is an objective health metric rather than a personal rejection.
- Be Self-Compassionate
Having ED comes with natural frustration, and it’s normal to express these feelings to your partner in a healthy way, as will be discussed in tip 4. However, if you feel your emotions are especially heightened, and you’re upset with your own body, it’s best to give yourself some time to calm down before talking to your partner. Your reaction indicates their response. If you show anger towards your body, it gives them the green light to be angry with you for your body. The reality is that neither of you have control over this medical issue. You wouldn’t be upset with your heart for having high blood pressure. Internally understanding that this is a medical condition helps instill self-compassion when your body doesn’t act the way you would like it to.
- Use “I” Statements to Acknowledge Your Own Uncomfortable Feelings
Use “I” statements to center your internal experiences and explain your own vulnerabilities. Instead of, “you make me feel pressured,” try saying, “I feel frustrated and anxious when my body doesn’t respond in the way I want it to.”
Acknowledging your own anxiety, fear, and vulnerability allows your partner to see your struggle. This shifts the conversation away from conflict between partners and towards a shared challenge that you are both experiencing.
- Clearly Explain That ED Does NOT Have Anything to Do With Attraction
Now that you’ve explained your own vulnerabilities, it is important to address a common concern that your partner may be experiencing: Is it because I’m not attractive enough? Even if they don’t explicitly express this fear, the societal norms around desire and erections may be influencing their understanding about what you’re experiencing. You could follow up your earlier statement with, “I want you to know that I am incredibly attracted to you. What is happening is simply a physical reaction.” Then, try adding a personalized compliment. This will help your partner see that they are admired and desired, which is decoupled from your ability to get and maintain an erection.
- Ask Your Partner How They Feel
You have already addressed a common fear that partners may experience, but you mustn’t act like you can read their mind. Give them space to share their feelings, reactions, and questions by creating an open dialogue. This step is crucial for two reasons.
First, it allows them to address their own self-blame. If there’s no communication, your partner may work relentlessly to change their behavior, appearance, or expectations to “fix” your medical condition. By allowing them to share their experience, you invite them into your world and help them see the fallacy in their self-blame.
Second, it gives you insight into their perception of the situation. You could be feeling pressure in the bedroom that you believe is coming from your partner’s expectations, but if you ask, you might find that the pressure was internal all along. Your partner may be much more understanding than you thought, and by inviting them into the conversation, you allow them to express their compassion.
- Validate Your Partner’s Feelings of Rejection
Your partner may share that they have been feeling undesirable or insecure. Although you may want to jump back into de-linking ED from attraction, this is still your partner’s emotional experience. The best thing to do is listen and communicate your understanding of their experience. You can even take accountability for how you’ve caused that reaction without resorting to self-blame. For example, saying, “I completely understand why you felt that way after last night. I’m sorry I left you feeling isolated,” allows their feelings to be heard and demonstrates your understanding of the emotional impact your medical condition has
- Embrace Intimacy
If your partner expresses feeling lonely and insecure following a difficult sexual experience, it could be because they are not receiving the intimacy they desire. If you shut down and isolate after struggling to get or maintain an erection, your partner is left craving your presence, not just your sexual performance. Try to remain present with your partner and give them affirmation through your words and body language that you want to stay close to them. Focus on creating a comfortable environment between the two of you, and allow intimacy to remain in the room.
- Expand Your Mutual Definition of “Sex”
Sex can mean lots of different things. If you and your partner have been following a sexual pattern that always ends with penetration and climax, there’s a chance you have been following a sexual script that neither of you wrote. The theory on sexual scripts states that through pornography, media, and other cultural norms, we have been taught what “sex” looks like. When we engage in sexual activity following a sexual script, we essentially “perform sex” with another person, instead of authentically determining what mutual pleasure looks like between partners. If you’ve been struggling with ED, it is more important than ever to dismantle the sexual script that prioritizes penetration. Sexual exploration with your partner can be expansive, including the use of sex toys, erotica, mutual masturbation, and other sexual desires that you and your partner hold. Communication is key! Talk with your partner about what you both desire in the bedroom, and reframe the idea that good sex must be penetrative.
- Keep it Cool
Communication between partners about Erectile Dysfunction doesn’t have to be serious. Your tone matters, and your partner will pick up on your energy. If you feel nervous talking about it, your partner will feel nervous talking about their experience. If you address it with a matter-of-fact tone and clearly communicate your own vulnerabilities while listening to your partner’s, this can open the door for a more expansive and fulfilling sex life. Conversations outside of the bedroom create the groundwork for effective responses in the bedroom. If you are in the middle of a sexual experience and you cannot keep your erection, shift gears and keep your energy focused on creating pleasure for your partner. Your partner knows that it is not about them, and they can receive intimacy more comfortably.
