“I can’t say anything around them; they’re so defensive.” If you have felt defeated after trying to have a productive conversation with your partner, it might be time to tweak your approach. Bringing up your concerns is a step in the right direction, but when a partner responds with defense mechanisms, it can be easy to get sidetracked. Sometimes the conversation goes in a million different directions or ceases altogether. If you want to work on holding these conversations that are integral to a healthy relationship, it helps to know how to respond effectively to a person’s defenses as they arise, which starts with recognizing and understanding the function of their reaction.
While your partner’s defensiveness isn’t blank-slate-justified, neuroscience does show that it stems from fear. For human survival, our brains developed an excellent threat detector called the amygdala. When the amygdala is activated by the perceived threat of an external stimulus, it automatically shuts down the prefrontal cortex, which is the region responsible for rational and logical thinking. When you touch a hot stove, your amygdala quickly prompts your body to pull your hand away involuntarily. While an activated amygdala is a great survival tool, it is not an effective communicator. Neurological studies show that when someone is engaged in a relational conflict using defensive behaviors, their amygdala is active. This is because the conflict is perceived as an external threat and the defense mechanism is used to evade the danger. These relational defensive responses can show up in a few different ways:
- Shutting down: If your partner reacts to conflict by going silent or walking away, it could indicate that their nervous system has become overwhelmed and their fight-or-flight response is kicking in. In this state, they are unable to continue having a conversation. They are essentially putting up their emotional shield via “stonewalling”.
- Rationalizing: This response is what we typically think of as someone being “defensive.” They may try to justify their behavior instead of taking accountability. This could sound like, “I only did that because …” Instead of hearing your concerns, they perceive a threat and react by deflecting the blame to an external source.
- Counter-Attacking: This defensive response may feel quite offensive. Your partner may respond by using your previous behavior to justify their current behavior, for example, “Well, I did that because you did this.” Your partner may believe that two wrongs cancel each other out, but instead both partners are left with more unresolved wounds. Returning fire only ignites a bigger fire.
Because these defense mechanisms are biologically rooted in our brain’s survival instinct, you have to address them effectively. This means that trying to reach your partner through logic and reason will leave you feeling frustrated and annoyed. The more you try to prove your point and “win,” the more they will feel a sense of danger and respond with increased defensive behaviors. Instead, when you notice defenses arise, you can help cultivate a sense of safety where your partner can authentically and vulnerably engage with you. This starts by acknowledging the defenses and the functions they serve. Then, you can steer the conversation back to the problem at hand once both partners are ready to engage in a constructive conversation. Certain defenses need unique strategies, though. Here’s a quick guide to help you approach the defenses we outlined above.
Shutting Down → Address It & Give Space
If you notice your partner’s shield going up, you may feel even more invalidated and push harder for them to engage with you. Or, it could make you feel defeated and want to back down from the conversation. Do your best to resist these temptations. Pushing against the shield will only make them feel more afraid, and walking away from the conversation only prolongs it. Instead, meet them on a compassionate level by stating what you notice. You could say, “I can tell this conversation is difficult for you, and I’m sensing that you might need some space right now. Since this conversation is important to me, what if we took ten minutes to ourselves and then we checked back in with each other?” After some time, instead of forcing them back into the conversation, ask if they need more time. If they say yes and you’re starting to feel antsy, use this time to constructively think about what you want them to understand about how you are feeling. Once they are ready, it is important not to jump full swing into the heat of the argument. Ask them what was on their mind during the break, and approach their response with understanding. Your body language and tone are signals that your partner will pick up on. By inviting them to sit down with you and speaking gently, you are telling their body and brain that this conversation is safe. No threat, no shield.
Rationalizing → Impact > Intent
If your partner is rationalizing their behavior, it means they are having difficulty taking accountability. They feel their actions are justified, which is especially tricky because it could mean they will continue the behavior. In this case, you will have a tough time arguing that the person shouldn’t have done what they did. Instead, first acknowledge how they came to the decision-making point that led them to the behavior that caused you pain. Without this, they will continue to try and make you understand their point of view. By agreeing with their rationalization up front, you take away the power they believe rationalization holds and instead point directly to the impact of the action. Then, when you address the harmful impact their behavior had on you, you can state what you need from them in the moment and in the future. In the moment, it could look like acknowledgment of the impact of their past actions, and in the future, it could look like a commitment to change. It could sound like, “I understand why you made that decision today, and I’m not mad at you for making that choice. At that moment, I felt really overlooked. Going forward, I would appreciate it if you did this so that I don’t feel disregarded like I did today.”
Counter-Attacking → Meta-Communication
If you feel like your partner has taken the offensive position, there’s a chance you’re going to feel like you need to play defense, too. This makes sense! Your own amygdala has probably become activated, and the social danger your brain is picking up on may be calling the shots more than your own logical, rational brain. It can be incredibly difficult to engage with the conversation when the tension has risen, so it’s best to address what’s happening between you two before tackling the topic itself. If they bring up past conflicts or critique behaviors that you have done, remember that they don’t actually want to solve the problem that they have brought up; they are simply trying to evade the conversation you’ve already started instead. Although it’s not the time to engage with this point, they want to be heard. You could say, “I hear what you’re saying, and I want to address that too. I get the sense that you are upset, and I’m feeling upset too. Do you want to talk about it right now, or do you want to take some time?” This acknowledges both issues at hand and emphasizes that both partners need to be ready to address challenges. When partners recognize that they must work together to solve their problems, they realize that their defenses push them further from their goals.
Remember: When in doubt, take a beat. Safety takes more time to process than danger. Give both of your nervous systems the time and space it needs.
It is also important to hold an optimistic outlook towards your partner’s ability to change. If you believe your partner can change, you will search for and find how they show up for you differently. If you believe they cannot, you will fixate on the ways they haven’t. This is known as confirmation bias, which holds that our expectations shape how we perceive the world, making us more likely to notice evidence that aligns with them than evidence that conflicts with them.
You might be thinking, well, why do I have to do all the work? If so, you might be coming upon your own defenses here. If you care deeply about the longevity of this relationship and have a strong desire to steer the conversation toward your needs, you may need to lay the groundwork. If you don’t, nothing will change. These conversations aren’t battles; they’re stepping stones towards the relationship you want to build.
